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Examine Bill Gates' wealth compared to yours: Consider the average American of reasonable but modest wealth. Perhaps he has a net worth of $100,000. Mr. Gates' worth is 400,000 times larger. Which means that if something costs $100,000 to him, to Bill it's as though it costs 25 cents. You can work out the right multiplier for your own net worth.
So for example, you might think a new Lamborghini Diablo would cost $250,000, but in Bill Gates dollars that's 63 cents.
That fully loaded, multimedia active matrix 233 MHZ laptop with the 1024x768 screen you've been drooling after? A penny.
A nice home in a rich town Palo Alto, California? Two dollars.
That nice mansion he's building? A reasonable $125 to him.
You might spend $100 on tickets, food and parking to take your family to see an NHL hockey game. Bill, on the other hand, could buy the team for 100 Bill- bills.
You might buy a plane ticket on a Boeing 747 for $1200 at full-fare coach. In Bill-bills, Mr.. Gates could buy three 747s. One for him, one for Melinda and one for young Jennifer Katherine.
Yet More:
Evan Marcus, a Systems Engineer from Fair Lawn, New Jersey who maintains a Bill Gates Net Worth Page on his web site, notes that Bill could buy every single major league team in Baseball, Football, Basketball and Hockey for only about 35% of his net worth -- plenty left over to buy a European sport.
Of course then he wouldn't have around $150 for every person in the USA as he does now. Nor could he still give $6.70 to every person on the planet.
Marcus suggests that Bill could only pay Michael Jordan's 1997 salary only 1300 times, but that he could buy 902 million subscriptions to TV guide. He's also fascinated by how much all this money would be if put into dollar bills. Laid end to end, the Bills would stretch 3.8 million miles -- to the moon and back over 8 times. They could paper over all of Manhattan 7 times, or be stacked 2,690 miles high -- watch out for satellites. They would weigh 40,000 tons -- 100 times the weight of one of those 747s he bought above.
But one thing Marcus says Bill can't do is even dent the national debt. Should he selflessly donate his stock to the U.S. treasury, he would reduce the $5.37 trillion national debt by well under 1%. It's nice to put things in perspective.
Warning! Bill Gates (the president of the Microsoft) may be the next antichrist:Revelation 13:18 says:
"Here is wisdom. Let him who has understanding calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man: His number is 666."
The real name of the Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd). By converting the letters of his name to the ASCII-values (which are used in computers) you will get the following:
B I L L G A T E S 3 66 + 73 + 76 + 76 + 71 + 65 + 84 + 69 + 83 + 3 = 666
Daniel 7:23 says: "Thus he said: 'The fourth beast shall be a fourth kingdom on Earth, which shall be different from all other kingdoms, and shall devour the whole Earth, trample it and break it in pieces." Current history knows three antichrists:
(You can count number 666 from each of the names above.)
Is the fourth beast Microsoft corporation which represents the power of money? Revelation 13:16 and 13:18 says:
"He causes all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on their right hand or on their foreheads," "and that no one may buy or sell except one who has the mark or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.
"Windows compatible?"
It looks like well-known OS's fall into the same category:
M S - D O S 6 . 2 1
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
W I N D O W S 9 5
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666
Coincidence? I think not!
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.
The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dalai Lhama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dalai Lhama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment.ave your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack".
While the Gates's are moving in from their temporary quarters nearby, final construction of their new house is not expected to be completed until the end of the year.
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table...etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: "sigh Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house - which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore die in an airplane crash
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.
They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe?"
Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God....
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, and the beautiful women playing in the water????"
"That was the demo," replied God.
"I am Bill Gates of Borg. You will be assimilated.
Resistance is fut -GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT in BORG.EXE-"
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd.
Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."
"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here?
Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"
"I guess not."
"You guess right."
So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions."
Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia?
Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham."
Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham." Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."
"I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."
Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"
"You bet!"
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ....
.... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then ....
The US Justice Department - unable to sentence Bill Gates to any meaningful economic fine decided that his punishment would be more severe - and sentenced him to eternity in Hell.
Satan greets him "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Frankly releasing Windows 95 two years early, would by itself, have landed you here. But enough of that. "You've arrived on a day when I'm in a good mood, so I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are being tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are being chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young woman with an alluring look on her face, at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine.
To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation thinking he outsmarted the devil, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan then locks the door.
As Satan turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best room in the house?"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The vintage bottle of wine you see - It has a hole in it. "That Beautiful young lady - She doesn't"
"What about the PC?!"
"Oh, If you look carefully, you'll see that it crashed!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!"
Hugh replies: "well Bill, you know ... Ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."
Bill (with a chuckle), "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number?" So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.
They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God ...now I know why you chose the name Divine." To which she replies: "thank you Bill ... And now I know how you chose the name ... Microsoft."
Bill Gates, wanting to impress with success, decided to measure MS accomplishments against General Motors...
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 100000 mph"
General Motors responded:
"Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?"
DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, jump off...
Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.
OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until mid-1995. Maybe longer.
Fly Windows NT: Passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac and place them in the outline of a plane. They sit down, flap their arms, and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
Unix Express: Passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing about what kind of plane they want to build. The passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft but give them all the same name. Only some passengers reach their destinations, but _all_ of them believe they arrived.
AIR GEOS: The airlines has a diverse fleet of commuter, mid-range and even supersonic aircraft, the termanils are open and clean, with lots of complimentary services for the passangers. The rates are the lowest in the buisness, but still the terminals are empty because they have not had a single arr/dep for years. Linux Air
Linux Air: Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
The White House
30 December 1998
Mr. John Hinkley
St. Elizabeth Hospital
Washington, D.C.
Dear John,
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our Country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bipartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.
Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation.
Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best wishes,
Bill Clinton
P.S. Ken Starr is fucking Jodie Foster
News just in of Microsoft's latest venture:
Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.
Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.
It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).
A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package.
The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector.
Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.
While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.
OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package.
At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.
CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years..."
"Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the MicroSoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, we're about to begin a sequel."
"Captain, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."
"Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?"
"Captain, are you surrrrre you want to rrrreplace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter explosion!"
"Scotty, that's an order."
"Aye Captain, but she's just not ready. She needs a proper beta shakedown."
"That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?"
"We're on disk 5, sir."
"Good. Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt."
"Then Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use the Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under Windows 3.1?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"Will it use a ProAudio Spectrum?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"How about a Sound Blaster?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"What good are you, anyway?"
"Box-office attraction, Captain."
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor - not a hardware technician."
"Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the ProAudio Spectrum. Chekov, finish the software installation. Sulu, reboot the system when it's ready and prepare to go to task speed on my signal."
"Aye, aye, Captain."
"Chekov?"
"We've just entered the desktop zone, Captain."
"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."
"Scotty, we haven't even started yet."
"Sorry, Captain, I just haven't had a line in so long..."
"Sulu, go to task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad."
"Aye, Captain."
"Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the README.TXT in the desktop zone. We'll be navigating back there frequently."
"Yes, Sir."
"Spock?"
"It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir. The ProAudio Spectrum 16 isn't responding, either in sound or SCSI."
"Disable the card, Spock."
"I'm sorry, sir. It won't disable the SCSI without stopping sound card first. And it won't disable the sound card without disabling the SCSI first."
"Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 o'clock."
"[Looks at watch.] Good, that gives us a little more time to debug these systems."
"No, sir. The ship is already upon us."
"Uhura?"
"Scanning all frequencies, sir. I'm trying to get an image, sir, but the system is awfully slow."
"Scotty, what's happening down there?"
"The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI can only process one console request at a time."
"See what you can do, Scotty. Spock?"
"It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain. Equipped with a Warp drive."
[Impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed. OOhs and Ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship.]
"Put it on visual, Chekov."
"Aye, Captain."
[Louder OOhs and Ahhs.]
"Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast. We need audio!"
"I'm sorry, Captain. The registry is not responding."
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor, not a beta tester!"
"Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file."
"Captain - it's gone. Some other task in the system must have moved or changed it."
"Long-range scan, Chekov."
"I found it, Captain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file is for the game Land of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the voice of King Richard."
"Patrick Stewart?"
"You've never heard of Patrick Stewart?"
"No."
"Must be a generation gap."
"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."
"[Sigh.] Maintain power, Mr. Scott. Quick, Sulu, put us on red alert."
"Captain, I can't figure out how to change the color of the desktop background!"
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor, not the FORCE docs!!"
"Never mind. Find the screen saver. Spock, prepare to fire HP LaserJet."
"Captain, I've chosen the screen saver that says `Chicago is COOL' but now I'm getting no response at the helm."
[BOOM as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large zapping sound, then either the ship moves back and forth, or people sway left and right, depending on perspective. Sparks fly from console, fires glare, indicating what would normally be irreparable damage, yet will be fixed in just minutes.]
"Sulu, take evasive action; otherwise, it's certain doom!"
"Aye, Aye, Captain. It certainly is Doom and I don't mind saying I'm getting awfully sick of this demo. Doom is one of the most stable games on the market and it runs under OS/2 with no problems whatsoever."
"We've got... to get... to the kernel. Uhura... notify... the... kernel at Star Fleet."
"Captain, I think either communications are breaking up, or you're dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode again."
"Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It would seem that the needs of the few have out-weighed the needs of the many."
"Scotty, get us out of here!"
"Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding! We'll have to do a hard boot to rrrrecover."
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
This just came in:
Microsoft Sues Bandai Over Tamagotchi
Redmond WA, (AP).
Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against Tomagotchi maker, Bandai. Microsoft is claiming that the Tomagotchi (the Japanese electronic pet that's all the rage with the kids) is an infringment of its intellectual property.
Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated "Software that needs constant, even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like Windows to me. This is clearly an infringment on our technology".
The Bandai company spokesman refused to comment on the suit.
REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.
"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."
In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycot all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft.
Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve."
The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion."
Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second time."
posted on 14 May 1998 Copyright 1998 by the Bogus News Network.
October 1, 1997 (Seattle) -- Microsoft announced today that it will provide office furniture with its software. The next release of windows, code named Naugahyde, will include the Microsoft Chair at no extra charge.
"This is a natural for us," a Microsoft spokesperson said. "We've conquered the desktop, so we're looking at way of expanding our installed base."
The spokesperson denied accusations that bundling constitutes an unfair competitive advantage.
"We're just listening to our customers. They've asked for more built in features, and who doesn't use a chair when they're at their computer? Especially when they're waiting for Windows to reboot."
Beta testers noted its large footprint and found the chair to lack substantial features found in most of the competition. But when asked if they dislike it enough to purchase another vendor's furniture, most stated that they would just take what Microsoft had to offer.
Also in the works is a small seat, dubbed the Microsoft Stool, soon to be bundled with laptops. Beta testers were surprised to find the backless chair at their doorsteps.
"Then again, it's not the first time we've received a shrink-wrapped stool sample from Microsoft," noted one breathless customer...
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner, God told them, "I invited you to dinner, because I needed three important people to send my message out to all people:
"Tomorraow I will destroy the Earth !"
Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them,
" I have two really bad announcements to make. First, God really
does exist, and second, tomorrow He will destroy the Earth,"
Clinton called an emergency session of Congress and told them,
" I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God does exist,
and the bad news is that He will destroy the Earth tomorrow."
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft headquarters and told his people,
" I have two fantastic announcements ! First I am one of the three
most important people on Earth, and second, the Year 2000 problem
has been solved !"
Microsoft today announced that they are to rename Windows 98 "Windows Diana".
They expect that it too will be superficially attractive, consume lots of resources and crash horribly.
It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.
At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. "Hmmm.," he thought, "I'll get to the bottom of this in no time."
He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust.
"Yep, it's working," he concluded.
The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, "The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"
The Microsoft Borg
In the wake of the emergence of the free Linux operating system a quick look into the future.
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript:
(Picard) "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
(Geordi)"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)
(Riker looks puzzled.) "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
(Data turns to answer.) "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
(Picard) "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
(Data) "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
(Picard) "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
(Data) "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
(Geordi) "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
(Picard) "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."
(Data) "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
(Riker) "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
(Geordi, excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
(Picard) "Data, what do your scanners show?"
(Data) "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
(Picard) "Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
(Riker) "Geordi, what's the status of the Borg?"
(Geordi) "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each
time they successfully increase resources I have set up our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows'
modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
(Picard) "How much time will that buy us?"
(Data) "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours."
(Geordi) "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
(Picard) "Identify."
(Data) "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo."
(Over the speakers) "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
FLAGSHIP 'MONOPOLY'. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF
UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS
AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS."
(Data) "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
(Picard) "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft."
(Riker) "Good God, Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"
(Data) "I don't believe that those are humans,sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by Twenty-first Century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and they are wearing Armani suits."
(Riker and Picard together, horrified) "Lawyers!!"
(Geordi) "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
(Data) "True, but apparently some must have survived."
(Riker) "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
(Data) "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. It often proves fatal."
(Riker) "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
(Picard) "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that.
Three male programmers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first programmer finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two, he says, "At Microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel: He turns and says, "At Intel not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder: "We Linux programmers don't piss on our hands.
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?"
REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In an effort to dispell confusion surrounding Microsoft's upcoming new version of Windows, Microsoft annouced today that it would rename the upgrade -- formerly known as Windows 95 -- to WinEver.
"There seemed to be a great deal of anxiety about when the product would ship. We felt it was in the best interest of our users to free them from this anxiety," said a Microsoft spokesperson who requested to remain anonymous.
Industry analysts were quick to praise the decision. "WinEver will free Windows users from space and time constraints. It also gives Windows a new timeless quality", said a member of Ziff-Davis Publishing's Editorial Staff. "This is precisely why OS/2 is failing in the marketplace -- they have failed to deliver a strategy for their product."
When asked when WinEver would be available, a Microsoft spokesperson said "Whenever." The spokesperson added "It really doesn't matter since WinEver is destined to be the most powerful and popular operating system ever." Market and industry analysts quickly agreed adding that "WinEver has already revolutionized the industry."
A spokesperson from IBM disagreed however. "Microsoft is still trying to sell a product that doesn't exist. IBM has been shipping a 32-bit operating system since 1992 that runs todays DOS, Windows and OS/2 applications in a stable 32-bit environment with an advanced user interface. WinEver -- or WhatEver it's called now -- still relies on DOS device drivers and is not a true 32-bit OS unlike OS/2."
He added that "users who think that WinEver will have no compatibility problems will be in for a surprise."
Most users seem to remain unconvinced however. "WinEver will run everything and it won't have any bugs or compatibility problems because it's from Microsoft. Why should I buy OS/2 which is less than perfect when WinEver is right around the corner?"
In a related story, IBM has reportedly been working on incorporating WinEver compatibility into a future version of OS/2. Microsoft was quick to express fear, uncertainty and doubt in regards to IBM's chances of success. "IBM is chasing a moving target and without the source code". Industry analysts and the media agreed adding that this is yet another example of "OS/2's failing strategy."
Windows '98 source code.
/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Summer 1996
*/
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:swp0001.swp",
O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}
Wordt met dit gekraakte computerprogramma net zo rijk als Bill Gates. (Original Microsoft Code)
Subject : *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project : Version - Windows 95
Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
#include
#include
#include
#include
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to the 32 bits
architecture"); inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant" "'cos all those customers will
need at least 32 megs"); inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will
triple"); get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM); break; case
DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE: say("Oh no, we are just here to make a
better world for everyone"); register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe) {arrest(journalist); brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree) {order(journalist, "write a nice
objective article"); release (journalist);} } break; } while (vapourware) {
introduction_date++; /* Delay */ if
(no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release) break; say("It will be ready
in",today+ONE_MONTH); } release(beta_version) while
(everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware) { bills_bank_account +=
150*megabucks; release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements); if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{ say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem"); if
(smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play) { ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard"); } } if (
bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years ) {
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her); wave(dollars,
at_lusty_chicks); marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies); if (boobies_start_to_hang)
dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies); } if (there_is_another_company) {
steal(their_ideas); accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit); buy_out(other_company);
} } /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us
*/ order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished
_version);
}
void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}