This archive now has 210 Jokes in the form of a List. New Lists are welcome as we can't get enough of it. Last updated Fri Aug 20 00:12:21 1999

1997 Darwin Award Nominees (2)

The candidates have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, an annual honor given to the person who did the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event.

1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
3. A man in Buxton, NC, died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said. Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Delaware,as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont , Daniel was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.
8. Marie Valishnokov of Taos, NM, went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
9. Attorney Antonio Mendoza of La Grange, GA, was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there"
10. Kerry Bingham, of Tacoma, WA, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it". Bingham's foot was never located.
11. In Bremerton, WA, Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume? Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this." Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.

In Other Breaking News..

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.

A Normal American

Facts about Americans. Did you know that...

Around The House

• 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
• Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
• 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
• 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.
• 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
• The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
• 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. (Is there a correlation????)

Habits

• 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
• 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
• 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
• 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.
• 17% have been caught by the host.
• 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
• 29% of us ignore RSVP.
• 35% give to charity at least once a month.
• 71.6% of us eavesdrop.

Food

• 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
• When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
• Snickers is the most popular candy.
• 22% of us skip lunch daily.
• 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
• 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
• 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
• 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

Hygiene

• 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
• Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
• Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
• 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
• 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
• 33% of women lie about their weight.
• 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
• The average girl starts her period at age 12.
• 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
• 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
• 23.5% admit they don't always flush.
• 45.2% pee in the shower.
• 44.9% pee in the ocean.
• 28.1% pee in the pool.
• 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.

Actual label instructions on consumer goods

Actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

Some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating

On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine Do not drive car or operate machinery

On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use

On Sainsbury's Peanuts Warning: contains nuts

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

Actual Letters to Landlords...

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand on this?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. Our toilet seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
8. The person next door has a large erection in his backyard which is unsightly and dangerous.
9. Will you please send someone to repair our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
10. Our kitchen floor is very damp; we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
12. Could you please send someone to fix the faucet in our bathtub. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us this way.
13. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
14. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

Advice for Young Women - 1950 vs. 1980

The following is from an actual 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DONT'S: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The Goal: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

Now the updated version for the 90s woman:

1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriages.
5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.
6. Some DONT'S: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.
7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!"
10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you.

American Statistics

• Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
• 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
• Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
• 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
• 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.
• 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).
• The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
• 85% of women wear the wrong bra size.
• 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
• 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework.
• 91% of us lie regularly.
• 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
• 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
• 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
• 90% believe in divine retribution.
• 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
• 82% believe in an afterlife.
• 45% believe in ghosts.
• 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
• 29% of us are virgins when we marry.
• 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
• 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
• Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.
• 35% give to charity at least once a month.
• How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and religion. 7% would murder.
• 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
• When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
• 85% of us will eat Spam this year.
• 70% of us drink orange juice daily.
• Snickers is the most popular candy.
• 22% of us skip lunch daily.
• 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
• 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
• 22% of all restaurant meals include French fries.
• 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
• Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
• 45% use mouthwash every day.
• 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
• The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
• Nearly 1/3 of US women color their hair.
• 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
• 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
• 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
• 62% of us pop our zits.
• 33% of women lie about their weight. (Only 33%?)
• 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
• 57% have had deja vu.
• 49% believe in ESP.
• 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
• The average girl starts her period at age 12.
• 44% have broken a bone.
• Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
• 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
• 15% regularly go to a shrink.
• 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
• 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.
• 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
• 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
• 23.5% admit they don't always flush.
• 45.2% pee in the shower.
• 44.9% pee in the ocean.
• 28.1% pee in the pool.
• 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're sing the toilet.
• 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
• 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
• 29% of us ignore RSVP.
• 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
• 22% are functionally illiterate.
• Less than 10% are trilingual.
• 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
• 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
• 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
• 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks.
• 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
• 40% of us have had music lessons.
• 44% reuse tinfoil.
• 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
• 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
• 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
• 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
• 59% of us say we're average-looking.
• Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
• 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
• 53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers.
• 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
• 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
• On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
• 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
• 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
• The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
• Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
• 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
• 6% propose over the phone.
• 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
• 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.
• 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
• 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
• 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
• 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
• 25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
• 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

An Age of a Woman...

• Below 14, she is like Antartica: Untouchable.
• Between 14 and 17, she is like Africa: Virgin and unexplored.
• Between 18 and 30, she is like Asia: Hot and exotic.
• Between 31 and 45, she is like America: Fully explored; breathtakingly beautiful and free with her resources.
• Between 46 and 56, she is like Europe: Exhausted but still has points of interest.
• Between 56 and 60, she is like Australia: Everybody knows it's out there but nobody gives a rip.
• Between 60 and 64, she's like Russia: Everybody knows it's out there, but no one ever dares to go.
• After 64, she's like the Moon: Exploration has stopped.

Annotated Temperature Chart

Sorry that this is in farenheit...

HOW COLD IS IT?

An annotated thermometer

• 60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe)
• 50 - Miami residents turn on the heat
• 40 - You can see your breath Californians shiver uncontrollably Minnesotans go swimming
• 35 - Italian cars don't start
• 32 - Water freezes
• 30 - You plan your vacation to Australia Minnesotans put on T-shirts Politicians begin to worry about the homeless British cars don't start
• 25 - Boston water freezes Californians weep pitiably Minnesotans eat ice cream Canadians go swimming
• 20 - You can hear your breath Politicians begin to talk about the homeless New York City water freezes Miami residents plan vacation further South
• 15 - French cars don't start You plan a vacation in Mexico Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
• 10 - Too cold to ski You need jumper cables to get the car going
• 5 - You plan your vacation in Houston American cars don't start
• 0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts Too cold to skate
• -10 - German cars don't start Eyes freeze shut when you blink
• -15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects Miami residents cease to exist
• -20 - Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you Politicians actually do something about the homeless Minnesotans shovel snow off roof Japanese cars don't start
• -25 - Too cold to think You need jumper cables to get the driver going
• -30 - You plan a two week hot bath The Mighty Monongahela freezes Swedish cars don't start
• -40 - Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button Canadians put on sweaters Your car helps you plan your trip South
• -50 - Congressional hot air freeze Alaskans close the bathroom window
• -80 - Hell freezes over Polar bears move south
• -90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

Answering Machine Messages

Are you bored with that tired old "We're not home right now, but please leave a message." Well here are some novel new messages for you to try. It will both amuse your friends and family, and keep them wondering...

1. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money
2. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
3. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
4. This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
5. "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
6. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
7. Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
8. (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
9. "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. They are also VERY happy with their current phone service. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
10. The College Special. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
11. He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
12. "If you are a burglar calling to check, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
13. "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
14. "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

Anti-Barbie and Anti-Ken

BIKER BITCH BARBIE : Comes complete with a tattoo of a snake on one arm, and one on her butt that says "Kiss This, Ken". Also included are a leather jacket with "Ken's A Sissy" on the back, leather thong pants, and genuine Harley oil for that greasy hair look. Optional accessories: a chopped down Barbie Harley Motorcycle, a Barbie Biker Bar, and a Barbie Tattoo kit.

HOOKER BARBIE : This Barbie comes with cheap makeup, black hose and garters, a bikini halter top, and a mini skirt with the butt end cut out of it for that bare-butt look to entice customers. No Barbie Underwear is included. Optional accessories: The Barbie Seedy Motel (with hourly rates) to do business in, and a special edition Hugh Grant doll in a Barbie Car as a replacement for that too-straight Ken. Pull her string and she says "Wanna screw, Hugh?", "Kens ain't men" and "Fifty bucks?! Get real! This is Barbie your talking to here, dude!"

WINO BARBIE : She comes with greasy, ratty hair, and spray-on body odor. Bottles of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill, Ripple, and Mad Dog 20/20 in paper sacks are included. Options include the popular Barbie's Dew Drop Inn Bar and a Barbie House with an alley on the back for her to pass out in. Pull her string and she pukes.

TRAILER TRASH BARBIE : This Barbie comes with a low cut top with a pack of cigarettes in her bra and short shorts so she can bend over to "tend her flowers" in front of the male neighbors. Accessories include the Barbie Starlight Trailer (comes in both pink and avocado) complete with torn carpet inside, rust stains running down the sides, two broken windows covered with plastic, a storage shed with a door broken off, pink flamingos for the yard, and a flower bed in the hitch. You can also get a 1968 Pontiac Bonneville Barbie Car with no hubcaps, bald tires, and a bad starter. Options: A pregnant Barbie that knows a Ken knocked her up, but isn't sure which Ken did it; and a Deadbeat Dad Ken.

REDNECK BARBIE : A 250 lb. Barbie with to-scale measurements of 30-42-58. Comes with a long neck beer in one hand, a cigarette in her mouth and a pack in her rear pocket, both underarm and leg hair, tank top shirt, torn sneakers with no laces, and white socks. Ken has a beer belly, a hunting rifle, Red Man Chew 'baccy, and camouflage underwear. Accessories: the Barbie Starlight Trailer with a Barbie Car up on blocks, two engines lying in the yard, a tree with a chain hoist in it, and a transmission on the kitchen table. Also available: The Barbie Belch and Fart Bar. The Barbie Redneck White Ford Pickup with blue doors, green fenders, red hood, a primered bed, and a tailgate that says CHEVROLET and is held shut with baling wire. Pull her string and she belches. Pull her string again and she says "Darn it Ken! The dog's peeing on the sofa again. Make him go over there by the TV like he's supposed to!" Squeeze her head and she farts.

SWINGING BARBIES AND KENS : Two Barbies and Two Kens are featured in this special package offer! One Barbie and one Ken can swing with each other in separate pairs or all four can have an orgy together. Simply mix and match. Accessories: Stick-on anatomically correct parts. Clothes not available. Pull her string and she says "Oh Ken! Do it again!" GAY KEN AND BARBIE: Same as the SWINGING set but Ken swings with Ken and Barbie swings with Barbie. Pull Ken's string and he says "Oh Ken! Do it again!"

BALLOONING BARBIE : Her chest size can be increased to any level desired up to 53DDD (to scale). Simply squeeze her head to pump the air and inflate her bust. To deflate simply stick your finger up her butt and press the release valve. Pull her string and she says "My head never runs out of air."

DRAG QUEEN BARBIE : This isn't really a Barbie doll. It's just Ken dressed up with Barbie's wig and some of Barbie's clothes. Pull his string and he says "Hey, Barbie and I wear the same size!", "I love Barbie's lace underwear", "I love to play Barbie", and "Marv Albert's my hero."

MILITIA BARBIE : Comes with automatic rifle, camouflage clothing, grenade launcher, ammo belts, Swiss army knife and the Barbie Field Makeup Kit. Accessories: The Barbie Armored Personnel Carrier and the Barbie Field Commander Headquarters and the Barbie Bazooka. Pull her string and she says "Oh my! I broke a nail pulling the pin on that grenade," and "Oh no! I broke another nail on that machine gun", and "I smeared my makeup on the obstacle course". No matching Ken with this Barbie because she blew his butt away for stealing her clothes and dressing in drag.

THE phenolBARBIEtol : This is the drug dealing Barbie. She comes with the Barbie 7mm AutoMag and cleavage holster (or optional cleavage grenade holders if you would rather have some pineapples between the pumpkins), two suitcases for carrying money and drugs, and two Uzi-toting Ken bodyguards in case a drug deal goes bad. Accessories: Coffins for the competition, 15-round double clips for the Barbie AutoMag, the Barbie Crack House, and a Barbie Car with bullet-proof glass and Uzis under the seat.

LORENA BOBBIT BARBIE : This Barbie comes with the Barbie Bloody Bedsheets and the Barbie Ginsu Knife for neutering Ken. Accessories: The Barbie Car for driving around and tossing the Ken Parts (included) out the window. Pull her string and she says "Now that you gotta sit to pee, maybe you'll learn to leave the seat down!!" and "I just threw Ken's best friend out the window!" Pull Ken's string and he says "Now I can sing soprano in the choir."

Are You a Real Guy?

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
   a. Present it to the president of the United States.
   b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
   c. Take it apart.
   
   
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
   a. Innocence.
   b. Idealism.
   c. Cherry bombs.
   
   
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
   a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
   b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
   c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
   
   
4. What about hugging another male?
   a. If he`s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
   b. If you`re performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male`s trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
   c. If you`re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
   
   
5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
   a. A cat.
   b. A dog.
   c. A dog that eats cats.
   
   
6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She`s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-- you`re watching a football game; she`s reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she`s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
   a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don`t want to rush it.
   b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you`ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don`t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
   c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
   
   
7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
   a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
   b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
   c. Tell her what?
   
   
8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
   a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
   b. "They`re in school already?"
   c. "There are three of them?"
   
   
9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
   a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you`re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
   b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
   c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
   
   
10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
    a. He was being tested.
    b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
    c. He refused to ask directions.
    
    
11. What is the human race`s single greatest achievement?
    a. Democracy.
    b. Religion.
    c. Remote control.
    
    

Back To School

The Top 9 Signs Your Class Reunion isn't Going Well

1. Then: Scrawny geek with Coke bottle glasses and curly hair. Now: Slovenly geek with Coke bottle glasses and no hair.
2. Turns out that baby you threw in the trash can survived, and now he's 6'4", 230 and ready to get Medieval on your ass.
3. You want to talk about how you taped key evidence for the Independent Counsel, they just want to talk about your sex change.
4. Your plan to surprise everyone with your dramatic weight loss was spoiled by one too many appearances on "America's Most Wanted."
5. Your "Best Athlete" award at USC was recently changed to, "Least Likely to Find the Real Murderer."
6. These days, everyone knows you as "The Chick Who Dumped Bill Gates."
7. You: Class of 1958 - Most Likely to Succeed. Your date: Class of 2002 - Most likely to get you arrested.
8. Has she ever forgiven you? Her eyes say, "Maybe," but the lighter fluid in your hair and the match in her hand say, "Not really."

and the Worst Sign Your Class Reunion isn't Going Well...

9. You were mesmerizing the crowd with tales of playing against Michael Jordan until Ms. "I blew the President" strolled in!

Battle Of The Sexes Part I

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

He heard the chicken was a slut.

They don't have time.

They won't stop to ask directions.

They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

He buys two cases of beer.

The bonds mature.

So men can remember them.

We don't know; it has never happened.

They all already have boyfriends.

A widow.

When he owns it.

A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all!

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

His hand caught fire.

Put the remote control between his toes

I must be able to do better than that.

"Practice makes perfect."

Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

They're married.

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

He wouldn't ask for directions.

Battle Of The Sexes

Sex

Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay. For the man, driving back to her place is considered a part of foreplay.

Maturity

Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Hats

Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

Groceries

A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping. A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane.

Magazines

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.

Handwriting

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chickenscratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Comedy

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

Bathrooms

A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn . The average number of items in a typical American women's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Going Out

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her makeup.

Cats

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Shoes

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Leg Warmers

Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in A Chorus Line.

Mirrors

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, or Joe Garagiola's head.

Menopause

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone

Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Offspring

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite oods and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in his house.

Low Blows

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the figures is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.

Directions

If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."

Admitting Mistakes

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he as wrong was General George Custer.

Richard Gere

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Dressing Up

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Nicknames

With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to one another as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

Toys

Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

Plants

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Mustaches

Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.

David Letterman

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semidorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Cameras

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.

Locker Rooms

In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women, They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Laundry

Women do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatsuit inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to met beautiful women at the Laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style.

Politics

Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

Weddings

When reminiscing about weddings women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."

Cheerleaders

Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all American. Male cheerleaders are scary.

Socks

Men are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds on hem. Socks that are cut way below their ankles. socks that have little fuzzy balls on the back.

Garages

Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies

For women their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in Gone With the Wind. For men it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in May Clark's face in Public Enemy.

Nudity in Movies

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

Jewelry

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

The Most Important Difference of All

Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.

Beer Troubleshooting Guide

Beer

Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Henny Youngman

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
-- Deep Thought, Jack Handy

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
-- Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
-- David Moulton

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
-- Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-- Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
-- Winston Churchill

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-- W C Fields

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
-- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
-- His Reply

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
-- Oscar Wilde

People who drink light 'beer' don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot.
-- Capital Brewery, Middleton WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-- Kaiser Welhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
-- Homer Simpson

I drink to make other people interesting.
-- George Jean Nathan

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-- For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-- Dean Martin

All right brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
-- Homer Simpson

The Benefits Of Being Female

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. We never ejaculate prematurely.
4. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
5. We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
6. When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
7. We don't have to get our strength up between sessions and it's much easier for us to get "some" in the first place.
8. We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.
9. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
10. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
11. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
12. We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers. Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
13. Taxis stop for us.
14. We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
15. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

Bit O' Trivia

• If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
• The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
• The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
• The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.
• Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
• Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor:Mint Oreo.
• Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
• Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.
• 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
• The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
• Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
• A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
• The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"
• It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
• If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
• The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
• 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
• The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.
• A whale's penis is called a dork.
• Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex.
• Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.
• • A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
  • Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink."
  • A group of frogs is called an army.
  • A group of rhinos is called a crash.
  • A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
  • A group of whales is called a pod.
  • A group of ravens is called a murder.
• A group of officers is called a mess. A group of larks is called an exaltation. A group of owls is called a parliament.
• Physicist Murray Gell-Mann named the sub-atomic particles known as quarks for a random line in James Joyce, "Three quarks for Muster Marc"
• Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
• The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bedframe. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.
• "Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing.
• Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.
• In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
• Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.
• Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
• The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off... Thus the saying.
• Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
• The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."

Bread

I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, the following bread restrictions should be enacted:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

Remember: Think idiotically, act globally!

Bumper Stickers

• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest!
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
• Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
• Assassins do it from behind.
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
• "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
• The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
• Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• When there's a will, I want to be in it.
• Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
• Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
• I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
• All generalizations are false.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
• Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
• If you are psychic - think "HONK"

Business resolutions for 1999

1. Never answer phones promptly. You don't want to appear too desperate for business.
2. Flirt heavily with people at work. You might get a promotion, you might get sex - basically you cannot lose.
3. When leaving voice mail messages speak v..e..r..y..s..l..o..w..l..y and repeat yourself a lot. Until you leave your phone number. Then talk very fast.
4. Customers, though fond of waiting, are rarely right.
5. Read other peoples faxes whilst waiting for your own to go through. This is an ideal way to stay abreast of their activities without having to listen to them droning on in staff meetings.
6. Think of work as a free office supply store that serves tea and coffee.
7. On 'Family Day' encourage kids to play with other employees computers.
8. Always make mobile phone calls in the middle of business lunches.
9. On the anniversary of the day you started, wear black and tell people you are mourning the death of your soul.
10. Buy one stock of share in your company. Anytime that the stock falls call your Managing Director and tell him that as a stockholder he is accountable to you and that you are very disappointed in him.
11. If the photocopier breaks whilst you are using it then run away fast.
12. Only return calls to people who leave four or more messages.
13. Finish other peoples sentences for them at every opportunity.
14. Where applicable eliminate shoplifting by frisking all customers on their way out.
15. Remember. The longer the memo, the better.
16. Make yourself appear computer literate by adding '.com.au' to the end of everything .com.au.
17. Tell your boss to suck a breath mint before speaking to you.
18. Surfing the net on company time is a good way of appearing busy.
19. Treat work experience people as your personal slave. Get them to wash your car, make lunch, fetch your dry cleaning etc.
20. Conquer stage fright during presentations by imagining your audience naked. Tell them that you are doing this in case you get aroused.
21. Leave incriminating unsigned Post It notes on colleagues desks such as 'Clare, lab called re syphilis test'.
22. Sit at the back of the room during meetings, your napping is less noticable there.
23. Be noticed, CC the company directors on all E-mails.
24. People like to be noticed. Comment on their funny accents, receding hairlines, large breasts and any other distinguishing characteristics.
25. Talk to people at work like you would talk to a very small child.
26. Ask your boss if your working hours can be reduced to accommodate your less than full workload.
27. Replace your bosses erasable whiteboard markers with permanent pens.
28. Never admit you are wrong.
29. Judge people at work not by their accomplishments but by their knowledge of Aussie Rules.
30. When someone speaks to you do not let the sound of their voice disturb your thinking about what you are going to say as soon as they shut up.

Cartoon Laws of Physics

Cartoon Law I

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in mid air, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II

Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III

Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV

The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V

All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI

As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII

Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII

Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion- pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX

Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law X

For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

Cartoon Law Amendment A

A sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

Cartoon Law Amendment B

The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters. Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

Cartoon Law Amendment C

Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

Cartoon Law Amendment D

Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths. Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

Cartoon Law Amendment E

Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold). The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick-sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B), which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.

Cartoon Law Amendment F

Any bag, sack, purse, etc. possessed by a cool character is a tesseract - any number of objects of any size may be placed in it or removed from it with no change in its outer dimensions.

Cartoon Law Amendment G

Characters can spin around and change into any set of clothes appropriate to the situation.

Cartoon Law Amendment H

Rabbits can dig a burrow from here to there in less than 20 seconds and emerge spotlessly clean.

Cartoon Law Amendment I

Movements are accompanied by funny sound effects.

Change your computer relationship

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when...

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL"
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

Children's books you wont see

"You Were an Accident"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"Where's Godot?"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer..... Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"All Dogs Go to Hell"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

"Bi-Curious George"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"

"You Are Different and That's Bad"

"Why God Burned Down Disney Land"

CLASSIFIED ADS

(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.

Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.

Coincidences

TITANIC VIDEO: 9.99 on Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: 9.99 on Internet.

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden
love, a subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden
love, a subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.
CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is
wildly popular.
CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval
rating is at 70 percent.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.

"Cold" is a relative term.

Use this handy list below to overcome the confusion.

Degrees (Fahrenheit)

* 65F   Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
* 60F   Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
* 50F   Miami residents turn on the heat
* 45F   Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
* 40F   You can see your breath
        Californians shiver uncontrollably
        Minnesotans go swimming
* 35F   Italian cars don't start
* 32F   Water freezes
* 30F   You plan your vacation to Australia
* 25F   Ohio water freezes
        Californians weep pitiably
        Minnesotans eat ice cream
        Canadians go swimming
* 20F   Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
        New York City water freezes
        Miami residents plan vacation further South
* 15F   French cars don't start
        Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
* 10F   You need jumper cables to get the car going
* 5F    American cars don't start
* 0F    Alaskans put on T-shirts
* -10   German cars don't start
        Eyes freeze shut when you blink
* -15   You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
        Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
        Miami residents cease to exist
* -20   Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
        Politicians actually do something about the homeless
        Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
        Japanese cars don't start
* -25   Too cold to think
        You need jumper cables to get the driver going
* -30   You plan a two week hot bath
        Swedish cars don't start
* -40   Californians disappear
        Minnesotans button top button
        Canadians put on sweaters
        Your car helps you plan your trip South
* -50   Congressional hot air freezes
        Alaskans close the bathroom window
* -80   Hell freezes over
        Polar bears move South
        Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
* -90   Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

Compare and Contrast

They say that history has a tendency to repeat itself.

From the Philadelphia Daily News, September 28, 1998

TITANIC CLINTON VIDEO

$9.99 on Internet Same

over 3 hours long Same

The Story of Jack and Rose, The Story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and their forbidden love, and a subsequent catastrophy a subsequent catastrophy

Their Song: Celine Dion Their Song: Sarah MacLachlan "My Heart Will Go On" "No. 5"

Villain: White Star Line Villain: Ken Starr

Jack is a starving Artist Bill is a BS artist

In one part, Jack enjoys Ditto for Bill. a Good Cigar.

During the ordeal, Rose's Ditto for Monica's dress gets ruined.

Jack Teaches Rose to Spit Let's NOT go there

Rose gets to keep her jewelry Monica forced to return gifts

Behind the scenes: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly Bill Clinton's approval popular rating is at 70%

Jack meets an icy death Bill goes home to Hillary

Computer Jargon Jungle

When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like "data input" and "beta version." They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry.

Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years, I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:

IAlpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU. Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286, a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.

Default Directory. Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

Error message. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

File. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Hardware. Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

Help. The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

Input/Output. Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

Interim Release. A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.

Memory. Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

Printer. A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Programmers. Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

Reference Manual. Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Scheduled Release Date. A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

User-Friendly. Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

Users. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

1. Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
2. Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
3. Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.

Computer gender

A pastor, who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as “she” and “her”. He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed as. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.

The first was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Consumer Goods Warnings

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

*On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

* On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

* Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

* On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.

* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

* On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

* On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

* On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Consumer Product Warnings

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is TenDimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

Courses for Real Men

A new two-year degree is being offered at Life University that many of you should be interested in:

Becoming A Real Man.

That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

Winter Schedule:

Spring Schedule:

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

Spring Schedule:

Course Electives:

Creative Pick-Up Lines

(And the ones voted least likely to work)

1. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be
2. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money
3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock
4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
5. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way
6. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
7. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
8. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
10. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

(These might work)

1. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
2. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
3. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
4. I like every bone in your body especially mine.
5. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
6. Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?
7. Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?

Dead Horse

Dakota Sioux tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in managing any business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Definitions for Men and Women

WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and nedz) n.
Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
Male: Food, sex, and beer.

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

LESBIAN (lez-bi-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.

GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: The organ of mooning (and farting).

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play, or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.
Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

Definitions for Parents

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman, who has gone through labor, to have sex again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the brink of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're angry with him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW-OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

Dog Lovers Special

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." - Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." - Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead." - Unknown

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." - Dave Barry

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." - Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." - Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." - August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." - Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul-chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" - Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." - Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."- Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." - James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." - Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!" - Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."- Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." - Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."-Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." - Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."- Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."- Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."- Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."-Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." - Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."- Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." - John Steinbeck

Eighties Trivia Bonanza

1. What was the British equivalent of "We Are The World?"
2. Name six members of the Brat Pack.
3. What Liverpool band popularized the Doors' "People Are Strange?" in the 80's?
4. Who had the trademark saying "Nanoo Nanoo?"
5. What was the original name of Duran Duran?
6. What was the name of ET's favorite candy?
7. What did people desperately try to avoid getting on "Press Your Luck?"
8. Name 3 books by Judy Blume or Beverly Cleary.
9. Who was the leader of the Transformers? (according to the cartoon)
10. Where did the Super friends congregate and watch the latest happenings on a big screen TV?
11. What group did New Order evolve from?
12. What were the names of Kevin's best friend and girl friend on "The Wonder Years?"
13. What was the name of the mechanical bear on Battlestar Galactica?
14. What commercial was Michael Jackson singing for when his hair caught on fire?
15. Who was the 4th child on "Growing Pains?"
16. Name 3 Strawberry Shortcake characters. (besides Strawberry Shortcake)
17. What, according to GI Joe, was "Half the battle"?
18. What was the name of the Bjork-fronted 80's band?
19. Who lamented about "No chocolate-covered candy hearts to give away and no wedding Saturday within the month of June"?
20. What famous Wham! frontman went on to record a multiplatinum record in 1987?
21. What was Dustin Hoffman's character's name in "Rain Man?"
22. Name all five New Kids On The Block.
23. What was the name of the show that featured Larry Appleton and his zany foreign cousin?
24. Who played Sarah Connor in 1984's "Terminator"?
25. Name 8 Muppets from "The Muppet Show".
26. Who was the actress that played Ferris Bueller's sister? Hint: Patrick Swayze showed her "the time of her life" in a movie a couple years later.
27. Who was the original singer of Los Lobos' 1987 hit "La Bamba"?
28. What was the name of the once Morrissey-fronted band in the 80's?
29. Who was the actress that made waves in 1984's "Splash"?
30. Who was the lead actress in the famous bomb "Grease 2"?
31. What craft toy involved cutting plastic figures, coloring them in, and then baking them in the oven?
32. Name 3 glam rock bands of the 80's.
33. What planet was Spock brought back to life on?
34. Name 3 of the actors from "The Goonies".
35. What was the famous line uttered by an old woman in Wendy's ads?
36. Name the four ghosts from the Pac-Man video game.
37. What were the names of the Saturday morning cartoon critters who lived in air-vents and befriended a boy who kept their secret hidden?
38. Name Eddie Murphy's skit about vocabulary on Saturday Night Live.
39. What was the name of Michael Knight's car?
    ....now, what was the name of his boss?
40. What actor mouthed the line "Whatch you talkin bout Willis?"
41. Who played Axel Foley's best friend in Detroit?
42. What was the name of the funky van Scooby Doo and Friends rode in?
43. To what does the obscure song "Turning Japanese" refer?
44. Which red-head won Star Search and then went on a shopping mall singing tour that took America by storm in 1987 and 1988?
45. Which band had members Robert Palmer, Andy and John Taylor, and Tony Thompson?
46. What were the names of all five Huxtable kids on "The Cosby Show?"
47. What were the names of the four Golden Girls?
48. What was the claymation Domino's Pizza thing to avoid?
49. What oldies song was revived by the movie about a certain principal named Joe Clark?
50. What was the name of Ripley's ship in Aliens? (not Alien or Alien3)
51. What TV actress co-starred in 1986's "Howard The Duck"?
52. Name 5 movies written and/or directed by John Hughes in the 1980's.
53. What was the first video played on MTV?
54. What was the name of Garfield's teddy bear?
55. What was the name of the bartender on "The Love Boat"?
56. Who was the head villian on "The Smurfs" and what was his cat's name?
57. What was the name of the guy who couldn't enunciate on "The Fat Albert Show?"
58. What was the name of the hollow hole-covered plastic ball kids used to to hit instead of a baseball?
59. What was the name of the singer who died in Robotech's first generation?
60. What was the name of Bo and Luke Duke's automobile?
61. Name 3 of the original 5 MTV VeeJays.
62. What German siren sang "99 Luftballons"? (known in the US as "99 Red Balloons")
63. Name the 5th original member of Depeche Mode who left the band, formed Yaz, and then went on form a more-lasting group.
64. What group sang "Come On Eileen"?
65. What speed did Marty have to reach in order to activate the flux capacitor? (once you remember the movie, this should be easy)
66. Name the two mega-popular bands which got their start on college-radio in Athens, Georgia?
67. What was the name of the heroic boy in "The Never Ending Story?
68. So, who shot JR?
69. What kind of sword did Thundar the Barbarian have?
70. What was the name of He-Man's magician sidekick?
71. What band sang the theme song to "The Breakfast Club?"
72. Name the ORIGINAL girls from the "Facts of Life" and their chaperone.
73. What gothic rock group did "Tones on Tail" become?
74. What were the names of the host and his sidekick on "Fantasy Island"?
75. Name Buck Rodgers' pal.
76. What was the movie that starred the little furry creatures from "Return of the Jedi"?
77. What was Tom Cruise's call sign in the movie "Top Gun"?
78. Who got his 100-meter dash gold medal stripped away due to his steroid use in the 1988 Olympics?
79. Who sang "Shattered Dreams" in 1987?
80. Who played Ming of Mongo in "Flash Gordon"?

Emoticons

English Translations..

Women's English:

• Yes = No
• No = Yes
• Maybe = No
• I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
• We need = I want
• It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
• Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
• We need to talk = I need to complain.
• Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
• I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
• You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
• You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
• Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
• This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
• I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
• Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
• I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
• Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
• How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
• I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
• Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
• You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
• Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
• Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
• I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.
• The same old thing = Nothing
• Nothing = Everything
• Everything = My PMS is acting up.
• Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.

Men's English:

• "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
• "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
• "I'm tired" = I'm tired.
• "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
• "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
• "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
• "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
• "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
• "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
• "What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
• "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
• "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
• "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
• "I love you." = Let's have sex now.
• "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
• "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
• "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
• "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
• "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
• (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
• "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.

Everything I Need To Know I Learned In The office

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation
3. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
4. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
5. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
6. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
7. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
8. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
9. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
10. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
11. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
12. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
13. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody
14. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
15. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious
16. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
17. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
18. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.
19. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
20. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.
21. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.

Execuses for not Coming in to Work

• If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
• When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
• I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop olny by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
• My stigmata's acting up.
• I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
• I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet. . .
• I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Giant.
• Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
• Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
• The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
• The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
• I prefer to remain an enigma.
• My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
• I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
• I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
• I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
• My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son.
• I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You want I should come in?
• I can't come in because the deadline is Monday and so far I only have seven different fun things to do with a barrel of snot.

Expectation and Reality

"What Every Man Expects In A Wife:"

1. She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
2. She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
3. She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
4. Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
5. She will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
6. She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it's good for her figure.
7. She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
8. Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
9. She will hate charge cards.
10. Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, Dear?"
11. She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
12. She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
13. She will love you because you're so sexy.

"What He Usually Gets.... "

1. She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
2. She was once a model for a totem pole.
3. Where there's smoke, there she is-- cooking.
4. She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
5. She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you say.
6. No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
7. If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.

Facts about men

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
4. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
5. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
6. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
7. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
8. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
9. Men are sensitive in strange ways If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
10. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits Women have two types: depressing and more depressing Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
11. Men have higher body temperatures than women If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
12. Women take clothing much more seriously than men I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
13. Most men hate to shop That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
14. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
15. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
16. No man is charming all of the time Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
17. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
18. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
19. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
20. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
21. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget.. he didn't lose your number.. he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
22. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis I asked him, "Are we going to have fun again?" He said, "Maybe.. next year."
23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you.. I want to marry you.. I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to flirt with young girls and drive motorcycles.
26. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports They've already forgotten what happened.

Facts Of Life

• Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
• Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
• Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
• A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
• It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
• If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
• COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
• The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
• Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
• Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
• Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
• Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
• Supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
• The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before

Famous Last Words

• "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
  --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
• "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
  --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
• "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
  --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
• "But what ... is it good for?"
  --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
• "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
  --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
• "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
  --Western Union internal memo, 1876.
• "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
  --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
• "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
  --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
• "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
  --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
• "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
  --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
• "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
  --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
• "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
  --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
• "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
  --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
• "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
  --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
• "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
  --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
• "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
  --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
• "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
  --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.
• "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."
  --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
• "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
  --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University,1929.
• "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
  --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
• "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
  --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
• "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
  --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
• "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
  --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
• "640K ought to be enough for anybody."
  -- Bill Gates, 1981

Feminine Side Of Oral Sex

16 rules on blow jobs:

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behaviour to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

Going South For The Winter

Rules for a Northerner Movin South

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as Bubba. You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'alls is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "Y'all ain't from around here, are ya?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerners vocabulary is the adjective Big ol, as in Big ol truck or big ol boy. Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin' defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, all y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25. In southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, Laud, have mercy, Good Laud and Laudy, Laudy, Laudy!
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Good, Bad and Worse

Good: You and your spouse agree, no more kids.
Bad: The birth control pills are missing.
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He is involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.

Good: You teach your daughter about the birds and the bees.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Good: The Postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK-47.
Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Great female comebacks

Man : "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD clinic."

Man : "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man : "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man : "So, wanna go back to my place? "
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man : "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man : "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man : "But I don't know your name.
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man : "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man : "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man : "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man : "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man : "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man : "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man : "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave."

Man : "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. "

Man : "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man : "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man : "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

Guide to the Male Vocabulary

1. "Haven't I seen you before?"
   "Nice ass."
   
2. "I'm a Romantic."
   "I'm poor."
   
3. "I need you"
   "My hand is oh so tired."
   
4. "I am different from all the other guys"
   "I am not circumcised."
   
5. "I want a commitment."
   "I'm sick of masturbation."
   
6. "You're the only girl I've ever cared about"
   "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
   
7. "I really want to get to know you better."
   "So I can tell my friends about it."
   
8. "It's just orange juice, try it."
   "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."
   
9. "She's kinda cute."
   "I want to shag her till my dick drops off."
   
10. "I don't know if I like her"
    "She won't let me shag her "
    
11. "I miss you so much"
    "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good."
    
12. "Was it good for you?"
    "I'm insecure about my manhood."
    
13. "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
    "Is my penis really that small?"
    
14. "I had a wonderful time last night."
    "Who the hell are you?"
    
15. "Do you love me?"
    "I've done something stupid and you might find out."
    
16. "Do you 'really' love me?"
    "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."
    
17. "How much do you love me?"
    "I've done something really stupid and someone's on his way to tell you
    about it now."
    
18. "I have something to tell you."
    "Get tested."
    
19. "I'll give you a call."
    "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."
    
20. "I've been thinking a lot."
    "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
    
21. "I think we should just be friends."
    "You're ugly."
    
22. "I've learned a lot from you."
    "Next!!!!"

    ---

    The woman's guide to what a man is really saying

    • "I'm hungry."
      I'm hungry.
    • "I'm sleepy."
      I'm sleepy.
    • "I'm tired."
      I'm tired.
    • "Do you want to go to a movie?"
      I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    • "Can I take you out to dinner?"
      I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    • "Can I call you sometime?"
      I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    • "May I have this dance?"
      I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
    • "Nice dress!"
      Nice cleavage!
    • "You look tense, let me give you a massage."
      I want to fondle you.
    • "What's wrong?"
      I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
    • "What's wrong?"
      What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
    • "What's wrong?"
      I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
    • "I'm bored."
      Do you want to have sex?
    • "I love you."
      Let's have sex now.
    • "I love you, too."
      Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
    • "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair."
      I liked it better before.
    • "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair."
      $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
    • "Let's talk."
      I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
    • "WIll you marry me?"
      I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
    • (while shopping) "I like that one better."
      Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
    • "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together."
      I am gay.

    ---

    A Man Guide To What A Woman Is Really Saying:

    • CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
      There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine again.
    • I JUST NEED SOME SPACE
      Without you in it....
    • DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
      We haven't had a fight in a while.
    • NO, PIZZA'S FINE
      You cheap slob!
    • I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW
      I just don't want you as a boyfriend now
    • I DON'T KNOW; WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
      I can't believe you have nothing planned.
    • COME HERE
      Hee hee....my puppy does that too....
    • I LIKE YOU, BUT...
      I don't like you.
    • YOU NEVER LISTEN
      You never listen.
    • WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY
      I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
    • I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE
      I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
    • OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF
      I'm just being nice; there is no way I'm going Dutch.
    • I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS
      We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

    ---

    Guys Rules For Women

    Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

    If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

    It is neither in your best interest, or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

    Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

    Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

    You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both

    Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

    Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

    Women who wear Wonder-bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

    When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

    Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

    ---

    You think you're having a bad day?

    Compare yours to these poor sods!

    • A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy in 1983. He managed to break out a window, climb out, and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.
    • Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a public service movie in 1983 on "The Dangers of Low-Level Bridges" when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.
    • Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
    • George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I. narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for his files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him instantly.
    • Depressed since he couldn't find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy with a gun in his hand, threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour, he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
    • In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y. was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
    • A man hit by a car in New Yory City in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car then rolled forward and crushed him to death.
    • Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down, and found himself in the city prison.
    • In 1976, a 22-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake 3 injured bystanders, and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit -- Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes, Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.
    • While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway border crossing, just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence, the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gate rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.
    • Two German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace from opposite directions but both near the middle of the road. At the moment of impact, their heads were both out of the windows where they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.
    • In a case of "one thing leading to another", seven men, aged 18-27 years, received jail sentences of 3-4 years each in Kingston-On-Thames, England in 1979, after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.
    • Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him, she fainted. Hearing a disturbance, a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter, and he and his wife were reconciled.

    ---

    Hey Women Wonder About These Things

    A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS

    1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
       It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
    2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
       Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
    3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
       We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
    4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
       We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
    5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
       You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
    6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
       Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.
    7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
       Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
    8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
       Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
    9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
       Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
    10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
        Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
    11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
        Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
    12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
        We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
    13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
        Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
    14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
        This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
    15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
        It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

    ---

    Hi, my name is

    • Art, I'm a museum curator.
    • Chuck, I'm a butcher.
    • Gene, I'm a DNA researcher.
    • Curt and Rod, we are in the drapery business.
    • Will, I'm a lawyer.
    • Sue. I'm also a lawyer.
    • Mary. I'm a justice of the peace.
    • Phillip, I'm a service station attendant.
    • Bill. I run a collection agency
    • Grant, I would be a loan officer.
    • Mike. I'm an announcer
    • Toni. I'm a hair dresser.
    • Gail. I'm a meteorologist
    • John. I'm a plumber
    • Herb. I'm a cook.
    • Stu. I also cook.
    • Wade and I'm in swimming pool maintenance.
    • Rob. I'm a thief.
    • Woody. A Forester.
    • Les I'm a dietician
    • Harry. I'm a barber.
    • Iris. I'm an optomotrist
    • Teddy I'm in lingerie
    • Carol. I sing during the holidays.
    • Bea. I'm in the honey business..
    • Hugh. I'm a painter.
    • Jim I train boxers
    • Brigham I'm a chauffeur
    • Dean A college chancellor
    • Nat and Bea. We are entomologist2
    • Bud. I'm in flowers.
    • And I'm Rose. I'm a gardener.
    • Clarence, I specialize in end-of-season inventory closeout sales.
    • Manuel, I write intruction books.
    • Ruby and Pearl. We’re jewelers.
    • Marshall. I'm a peace officier.
    • Gil. I'm a fisherman.
    • Avery. I raise birds.
    • Cliff. I'm a mountaineer.
    • Sherry. I'm a wine-master.
    • Cary. I'm a porter.
    • Barry. I'm an undertaker.
    • Chevy and Mercedes. We are car dealers.
    • Abbie. I'm a Mother Superior.
    • Belle. I play the carillon.
    • Candy. I'm a confectioner.
    • Jack. I'm a banker.
    • Dick. I'm a plain-clothes policeman.
    • Bet. I'm a coupier.
    • Leo. A lion trainer.
    • Ham. I raise pigs
    • Otto. I'm a car mechanic.
    • Herald. I'm a messenger.
    • Ray. I'm a roentgenologist.
    • Faith. I'm a minister.
    • Bart. I drive a bus.
    • Frank, the Hot-Dog vendor
    • Holly, I'm a holiday decorator
    • Shelly, I'm an expert on mollusks
    • Rich, A successful investment banker.
    • Brooks. I'm an irrrigation consultant.
    • Tom. I bred cats.
    • Lute. I'm a musician.
    • Tellie. A gossip columnist
    • Victor, and I'm a winner in everything I do.

    ---

    Home Economics - Then and Now

    The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls learning how to prepare for married life:

    1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
    2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
    3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
    4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
    5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
    6. Some DONT'S: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
    7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
    8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
    9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
    10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    Now the updated version for the '90s woman.

    1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
    2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)
    3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
    4. Prepare the children: Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo Video-Games. After all, both of them are from his previous marriages.
    5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.
    6. Some DONT'S: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner; simply remind him that the leftovers are in the refrigerator and you left the dishes for him to do.
    7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
    8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
    9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card).
    10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you!

    ---

    Homer Simpson's letter to Santa Claus

    Dear Santa, maybe it's the berr talking but I'm mighty muffed that I didn't get that beer coster I've been asking for the last three years! Lewt's hope you don't screw up again this year. First off, I apology for using this napken. It was all Moe had.

    Now, what I want:

    1. Cable TV. Not those cheapo deals, I want lots of channels. I want a zillion more channels than Ned Flanderes.
    2. Fake ice cubes. I can never get enough fake ice cubes.
    3. Fake ice cubes. I can never get enough fake ice cubes.
    4. Real marshmallows. I'm tired of imitation marshmallows.
    5. A pipeline directly from Moe's Tavern to my couch at home. (Don't tell Moe. Mmmm, beer!)
    6. Laaaaam^nsn as$*gy#@ss.... Wooow! I must of dosed off for a moment. Where was I?
    7. Tang! I can't get any Tang around here. I even asked NASA and the President, but they won't tell me. (Jerks!)
    8. Hair. (Doesn't have to be real.)

    Oh, I know you usaully don't do requests, but I want the following people dead:

    • Ned Flanders
    • Both of my sister-in-laws
    • Mr. Burns
    • Smithers

    And those nerds on the Internet (or at least make them stop talking about me!). I know you can manage this because you're well connected and occasionally get the Mob to do favours for you.

    Well, I guess that's about it for now. I'm running out of spcae on this napkin. (Sorry about the stains -- Barney used it while I was relieving myself. But I think a got most of the vomit off.)

    If I remember something, I let you know. give Mrs. Claus my love.

    Yours truley,

    Homer J. Sampson.

    P.S. Barney says he'll write you, too, as soon as he gets up from the bar floor.

    P.P.S. Don't get anything for the boy.

    P.P.P.S. I still want that beer coaster!

    ---

    Homework A Step by-Step How To Guide

    1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
    2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
    3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
    4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.
    5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
    6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
    7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it our of the way so you can concentrate.
    8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
    9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's if , I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
    10. Listen to the other side.
    11. Rearrange all of your cds into alphabetical order.
    12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks abvout your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.
    13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
    14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
    15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour; b)any movie starring Don Ameche; c) Star Trek.
    16. If there is nothing good on TV, check and make sure you're not missing anything good on the radio. Once again, if the paper is due in less than 12 hours, anything on the radio from to Aerosmith to Mozart is good except anything: a) country; b)by the Spice Girls.
    17. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
    18. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
    19. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
    20. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
    21. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
    22. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
    23. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
    24. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
    25. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
    26. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
    27. Leap up and write the paper.
    28. Type the paper.
    29. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write the stupid paper.

    ---

    Hotel Humor : Some actual English signs from around the world:

    • TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
    • BUCHAREST (ROMANIA) HOTEL: The list is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
    • LEIPZIG (GERMANY) ELEVATOR: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
    • BELGRADE (YUGOSLAVIA) ELEVATOR: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving then going alphabetically by national order.
    • PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk.
    • ATHENS (GREECE) HOTEL: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
    • YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
    • JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
    • MOSCOW HOTEL: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
    • SWISS MENU: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
    • AUSTRIAN SKI LODGE: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
    • POLISH MENU: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
    • HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
    • BANGKOK DRY CLEANERS: Drop your trousers here for best results.
    • PARIS DRESS SHOP: Dresses for street walking.
    • RHODES (GREECE) TAILOR SHOP: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
    • SOVIET NEWSPAPER: There will be a Moscow exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
    • GERMAN CAMPING SITE: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
    • HONG KONG AD: Teeth extracted by the lastest methodists.
    • ROME LAUNDRY: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
    • CZECH TOURIST AGENCY: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.
    • SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special today - no ice cream.
    • COPENHAGEN (DENMARK) AIRLINE: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
    • MOSCOW HOTEL: If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it.
    • NORWEGIAN LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
    • BUDAPEST (HUNGARY) ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
    • ROMAN DOCTOR: Specialist in women and other diseases.
    • ACUPULCO HOTEL: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
    • TOKYO SHOP: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
    • JAPANESE HOTEL: colles and heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
    • TOKYO CAR RENTAL FIRM: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

    ---

    How To Use An ATM

    HIM:

    1. Pull up to ATM
    2. Insert card
    3. Enter PIN number and account
    4. Take cash, card and receipt

    HER:

    1. Pull up to ATM
    2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
    3. Shut off engine
    4. Put keys in purse
    5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
    6. Hunt for card in purse
    7. Insert card
    8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
    9. Enter PIN number
    10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
    11. Hit "cancel"
    12. Re-enter correct PIN number
    13. Hit "cancel"
    14. Call husband to get correct PIN number
    15. Check balance
    16. Look for envelope
    17. Look in purse for pen
    18. Make out deposit slip
    19. Endorse checks
    20. Make deposit
    21. Study instructions
    22. Make cash withdrawal
    23. Get in car
    24. Check makeup
    25. Look for keys
    26. Start car
    27. Check makeup
    28. Start pulling away
    29. STOP
    30. Back up to machine
    31. Get out of car
    32. Take card and receipt
    33. Get back in car
    34. Put card in wallet
    35. Put receipt in checkbook
    36. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
    37. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
    38. Check makeup
    39. Put car in gear, reverse
    40. Put car in drive
    41. Drive away from machine
    42. Travel 3 miles
    43. Release parking brake

    ---

    How to argue effectively

    I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

    • Drink liquor.

      Suppose you are at a party and some hot-shot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hot-shot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

    • Make things up.

      Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."

      NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

      If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."

    • Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list: Let me put it this way In terms of Vis-a-vis Per se As it were Qua So to speak

      You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."

      Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

      You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

      Only a fool would challenge that statement.

    • Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

      You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

      You're begging the question.
      You're being defensive.
      Don't compare apples to oranges.
      You're being so linear.
      What are your parameters?

      This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

      Here's how to use your comebacks:

        You say:            As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873... 
        Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865. 
        You say:            You're begging the question. 
        
        You say:            Liberians, like most Asians... 
        Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa. 
        You say:            You're being defensive. 
      

    • Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

      This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

    ---

    How to cook a thanksgiving turkey

    1. Go buy a turkey
    2. Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)
    3. Put turkey in the oven
    4. Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
    5. Set the degree at 375 ovens
    6. Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
    7. Turn oven the on
    8. Take 4 whisks of drinky
    9. Turk the bastey
    10. Whiskey another bottle of get
    11. Stick a turkey in the thermometer
    12. Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
    13. Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
    14. Take the oven out of the turkey
    15. Take the oven out of the turkey
    16. Floor the turkey up off of the pick
    17. Turk the carvey
    18. Get yourself another scottle of botch
    19. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
    20. Bless the saying, pass and eat out

        ---

        How to determine if Technology has taken over your life

        1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write letterhead.
        2. You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
        3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.
        4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
        5. You disdain people who use low Baud rates.
        6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
        7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
        8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
        9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
        10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
        11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
        12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
        13. You back up your data every day.
        14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
        15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
        16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
        17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
        18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
        19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
        20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
        21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
        22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
        23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
        24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
        25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
        26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
        27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
        28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
        29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.
        30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
        31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

            ---

            How to impress a woman

        32. Compliment her,
        33. cuddle her,
        34. kiss her,
        35. caress her,
        36. love her,
        37. stroke her,
        38. tease her,
        39. comfort her,
        40. protect her,
        41. hug her,
        42. hold her,
        43. spend money on her,
        44. wine and dine her,
        45. buy things for her,
        46. listen to her,
        47. care for her,
        48. stand by her,
        49. support her,
        50. buy flowers for her,
        51. go to the ends of the earth for her...

            How to impress a man:

        52. Show up naked.
        53. Bring beer.

            ---

            How to Sing the Blues

            1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
            2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. ("I got a good woman -- with the meanest dog in town.")
            3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
               ("Got a good woman
               with the meanest dog in town.
               He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
               and he weighs about 500 pounds.")
            4. The blues are NOT about limitless choice.
            5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. "walkin'" plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does "fixin' to die".
            6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
            7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. (Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression) Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
            8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
               a. violet
               b. beige
               c. mauve
            9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall.
            10. Good places for the Blues:
                a. the highway
                b. the jailhouse
                c. the empty bed
                Bad places:
                a. Ashrams
                b. Gallery openings
                c. weekend in the Hamptons
            11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
            12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
                YES, if:
                a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
                b. you're blind
                c. you shot a man in Memphis.
                d. you can't be satisfied.
                NO, if:
                a. you were once blind but now can see.
                b. you're deaf
                c. you have a trust fund.
            13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
            14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages:
                a. wine
                b. Irish whiskey
                c. muddy water
                Blues beverages are NOT:
                a. Any mixed drink
                b. Any wine kosher for Passover
                c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
            15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a "blues death". Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. (It is NOT a blues death if you die during liposuction treatment.)
            16. Some Blues names for Women
                a. Sadie
                b. Big Mama
                c. Bessie
            17. Some Blues Names for Men
                a. Joe
                b. Willie
                c. Little Willie
                (People with names like "Sierra" or "Sequoia" will not be allowed to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.)

                ---

                Idiots Guide to Sex

                1. "69" is not an entree off of a menu at a Chinese restaurant.
                2. Bondage does not mean you are making financial investments.
                3. It is not sex if your partner starts to deflate.
                4. A technical virgin is a girl who's had it in only half way.
                5. Moby Dick is not a sexually transmitted disease.
                6. Braces are not a form of oral contraceptive, in fact, avoid them.
                7. Adultery is not the art of acting like an adult, quite the contrary.
                8. IN -> OUT *Repeat as often as possible
                9. A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make.
                10. she says "doggy style", then DO NOT whip down to the local S.P.C.A.
                11. Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.
                12. If your stomach hurts it is not an orgasm, more likely indigestion or appendicitis.
                13. A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that's a pawn shop.
                14. If your wife tells you sex is a "pain in the ass" turn her over.
                15. A threesome does not mean letting the dog watch you use both hands.
                16. Karma Sutra is not a martial art, therefore don't tell your lover that you have a black belt in it.
                17. Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account.
                18. If she says she is a virgin that doesn't mean she is from a state in the South.
                19. Silence doesn't mean your performance leaves her speechless.
                20. If you're going to call out a name make sure it's the right one.
                21. No one in junior high is 18, even if they're wearing a lot of make-up.
                22. You don't need a passport to French kiss.
                23. If your partner asks you to wear a leather mask it does not mean that it is Halloween.
                24. Safe sex does not mean she has an airbag attached to her.
                25. Oral sex does not mean talking to each other
                26. A condom is not needed for wen you are doing it alone
                27. Herpes is not the name of a Greek god.
                28. On the same note, oral contraception goes beyond just saying 'NO'
                29. For it not to be a crime, mutual consent is necessary
                30. Abstinence is not a kinky position
                31. Don't tell potential girlfriends that you have a severe Oedipus complex
                32. Speed is not a virtue.

                ---

                If I Ever Become a Vampire

                1. I shall wear tweed, and cheerful bright clothing. Further, I shall only wear trenchcoats if it is raining or foggy.
                2. I will not take my victims home. My neighbors are far too nosy.
                3. I will be secure in my immortality. I do not have to share my story with any reporter or struggling writer.
                4. I will not purchase an expensive foreign sports car or motorcycle. An economical, multi-terrain vehicle with 4-wheel drive will be just fine.
                5. I will immediately become Agnostic, disarming any cross-wielding religious maniacs.
                6. I shall not keep a coffin in the basement, that's the first place people look.
                7. I shall immediately purchase a Hooked on Phonics tape, in order to lose any Romanian accents I may have.
                8. My ghouls shall have good posture.
                9. I will purchase a digital watch with an alarm. I will set this alarm for TWO hours before sunrise, giving ample time for traffic and other inconveniences.
                10. If I feel truly alone, and need a companion to share all of eternity with, I shall purchase a dog. Preferably one that is not larger than I am.
                11. If the neighborhood kids are snooping around my house, I will not change into a giant wolf and attempt to destroy them. Instead, I shall call the police and have them arrested for trespassing.
                12. If I believe far too many people are becoming suspicious, I shall not attempt to kill them all. I will simply move, and leave no forwarding address.
                13. There is no logical reason for someone to mistake another human being for a fifteen-foot bat, not even in hysteria. Therefore, I shall refrain from such transformations in public.
                14. Artists are over-emotional and unstable. I shall not keep company with them whatsoever.
                15. I will not attend gatherings of my own kind. If I'm a lethal killing machine, doomed for all eternity to destroy those around me, they probably are too.

                ---

                If Operating Systems Were Beers...

                • DOS Beer:
                  Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
                  
                  
                • Mac Beer:
                  At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
                  
                  
                • Windows 3.1 Beer:
                  The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
                  
                  
                • OS/2 Beer:
                  Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
                  
                  
                • Windows 95 Beer:
                  You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
                  
                  
                • Windows NT Beer:
                  Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
                  
                  
                • Unix Beer:
                  Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
                  
                  
                • AmigaDOS Beer:
                  The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
                  
                  
                • VMS Beer:
                  Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
                  
                  

                ---

                If Men Really Ruled The World:

                • Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
                • When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
                • Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the bottom and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
                • Birth control would come in ale or lager.
                • Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
                • The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
                • "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
                • At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
                • It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
                • Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
                • Tanks would be far easier to rent.
                • Garbage would take itself out.
                • Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
                • Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
                • Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
                • On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
                • St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
                • Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
                • Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
                • The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
                • The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
                • It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
                • Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
                • When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
                  Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
                  You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
                  Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
                • Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
                • The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
                • People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
                • Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
                • Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

                ---

                Information You Need To Know

                The white part of your fingernail is called the lunula.

                Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

                The geographical center of North America is near Rugby, North Dakota.

                The infinity sign is called a lemniscate.

                Hacky-sack was invented in Turkey.

                If you stretch a standard Slinky out flat it measures 87 feet long.

                There are only three words in the English language with the letter combination "uu." Muumuu, vacuum and continuum.

                The "Calabash" pipe, most often associated with Sherlock Holmes, was not used by him until William Gillette (an American) portrayed Holmes onstage. Gillette needed a pipe he could keep in his mouth while he spoke his lines.

                The only word in the English language with all five vowels in reverse order is "subcontinental."

                Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of F.

                Dirty Harry's badge number is 2211.

                The pupil of an octupus' eye is rectangular.

                The shortest French word with all five vowels is "oiseau" meaning bird.

                Camel's milk does not curdle.

                "Mr. Mojo Risin" is an anagram for Jim Morrison.

                The ball on top of a flagpole is called the truck.

                A person from the country of Nauru is called a Nauruan; this is the only palindromic nationality.

                The word "modem" is a contraction of the words "modulate, demodulate." (MOdulateDEModulate)

                Oliver Cromwell was hanged and decapitated two years after he had died.

                The longest word in the Oxford English Dictionary is "floccinaucinihilipilification," which means "the act of estimating as worthless."

                In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

                The parking meter was invented in North Dakota.

                Des Moines has the highest per capita Jello consumption in the U.S

                The Western-most point in the contiguous United States is Cape Alava, Washington.

                There are only three animals with blue tongues, the Black Bear, the Chow Chow dog and the blue-tongued lizard.

                The first fossilized specimen of Austalopithecus afarenisis was named Lucy after the palentologists' favorite song, Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds, by the Beatles.

                The first prime number after 1,000,000 is 1,000,003.

                Hamster Useless Facts: Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

                The only "real" food that U.S. Astronauts are allowed to take into space is pecan nuts.

                The word "queueing" is the only English word with five consecutive vowels.

                The first Eagle Scout west of the Mississippi is buried in San Marcos, Texas.

                In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

                Roberta Flack wrote "Killing Me Softly" about singer Don McLean.

                The Greek version of the Old Testament is called the Septuagint.

                Spencer Eldon was the name of the naked baby on the cover of Nirvana's album Nevermind.

                All three major 1996 Presidential candidates, Clinton, Dole and Perot, are left-handed.

                The Madagascan Hissing Cockroach is one of the few insects who give birth to live young, rather than laying eggs.

                The book of Esther in the Bible is the only book which does not mention the name of God.

                Sheriff came from Shire Reeve. During early years of monarchial rule in England, each shire had a reeve who was the law for that shire. When the term was brought to the United States it was shortned to Sheriff.

                An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.

                Dracula is the most filmed story of all time, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is second and Oliver Twist is third.

                The silhouette on the NBA logo is Jerry West

                The silhouette on the Major League Baseball logo is Harmon Killebrew.

                The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

                Lucifer is latin for "Light Bringer". It is a translation of the Hebrew name for Satan, Halael. Satan means "adversary", devil means "liar".

                A cat's jaws cannot move sideways.

                Geller and Huchra have made three-dimensional maps of the distrubution of galaxies. In each layer of the map some galaxies are grouped together in such a way that they resemble a human being.

                Avocado is derived from the Spanish word 'aguacate' which is derived from 'ahuacatl' meaning testicle.

                The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic.

                Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays. Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

                Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T.

                Winston Churchill, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Theodore Roosevelt and Eleanor Roosevelt were all cousins through one connection or another. (FDR and Eleanor were about five times removed.)

                The Earth-Moon size ratio is the largest in the our solar system, excepting Pluto- Charon.

                Each unit on the Richter Scale is equivalent to a power factor of about 32. So a 6 is 32 times more powerful than a 5! Though it goes to 10, 9 is estimated to be the point of total tetonic destruction (2 is the smallest that can be felt unaided.)

                Most snakes have either only one lung, or in some cases, two, with one much reduced in size. This apparently serves to make room for other organs in the highly-elongated bodies of snakes. A twelve-foot anaconda can catch, kill, and eat a six-foot caiman, a close relative of crocodles and alligators. While these snakes are not usually considered to be the *longest* snake in the world, they are the heaviest, exceeding the reticulated python in girth.

                Cinderella's slippers were originally made out of fur. The story was changed in the 1600s by a translator. The story was probably not changed deliberately by the 17th century translator. The glass slipper is more likely to have arisen from a confusion between the French, "une pantoufle en vair" (a fur slipper) and, "une pantoufle en verre" (a glass slipper.) It was the left shoe that Aschenputtel (Cinderella) lost at the stairway, when the prince tried to follow her. Cinderella is known as Tuhkimo in Finland.

                If you come from Birmingham, you are a Brummie.

                The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with, e.g. Asia, Europe. There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs six times: Indivisibility.

                The smallest port in Canada is Port Williams, Nova Scotia. The Canadian province of Newfoundland has its own time zone, which is half an hour behind Atlantic standard time. Cats in Halifax, Nova Scotia, have a very high probability of having six toes.

                The second longest word in the English language is "antidisestablishmenterianism".

                Rats like boiled sweets better than they like cheese.

                Big Ben was slowed five minutes one day when a passing group of starlings decided to take a rest on the minute hand of the clock.

                The little lump of flesh just forward of your ear canal, right next to your temple, is called a tragus.

                Soweto in South Africa ws derived from SOuth WEst TOwnship.

                Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants. (This is the most important info so it was saved for last) in case you have a pet elephant that needs cleaning.

                ---

                Is there a Santa Claus

                1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
                   
                2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
                   
                3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second; a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
                   
                4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
                   
                5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere.
                   The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's DEAD now.

                ---

                Its Hard Being a Supermodel

                It's Hard Being a Supermodel...

                ON COURAGE
                "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh
                my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."
                -- Cindy Crawford

                ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE
                "Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my
                cleavage."
                -- Carole Mallory

                ON POVERTY
                "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
                -- Beverly Johnson

                ON FATE
                "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
                -- Christie Brinkley

                ON PSYCHOLOGY
                "I loved making 'Rising Sun'. I got into the psychology of why she
                liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with
                low self-worth."
                -- Tatjana Patitz

                ON CAREER CHOICES
                "My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian."
                -- Paulina Porizkova

                ON PRIORITIES
                "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
                -- Kim Alexis

                ON GEOPOLITICS
                "Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all
                night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament."
                -- Jerry Hall

                ON INNER STRENGTH
                "I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
                -- Tyra Banks

                ON DEATH
                "Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help it."
                -- Cindy Crawford

                ON TRAVEL
                "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't
                seen anything. I don't really care."
                -- Tyra Banks

                ON BREAKTHROUGHS
                "Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in
                volleyball and modeling."
                -- Gabrielle Reece

                ON EPIPHANY
                "I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought."
                -- Christie Brinkley

                ON HEREDITY
                "My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him,
                'What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'"
                -- Beverly Johnson

                ON THE BASICS
                "It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you
                throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
                -- Cheryl Tiegs

                ON INTRODUCTIONS
                "I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able
                to meet yourself -- it's eerie."
                -- Christy Turlington

                ON COURTSHIP
                "The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that
                I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when
                women are nearby."
                -- Fabio

                ON PARADOX
                "Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
                -- Tatjana Patitz

                ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER
                "I've looked in the mirror every day for 20 years. It's the same face."
                -- Claudia Schiffer

                ON TRAGEDY
                "The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles -- but I had on
                thick tights underneath."
                -- Naomi Campbell

                ON INSTINCT
                "If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some
                crackers."
                -- Carol Alt

                ON THE CASTE SYSTEM
                "We're not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don't think of ourselves
                as royalty. We happen to be working people."
                -- Christie Brinkley

                ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
                "I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having
                little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with
                sequins all over them."
                -- Cindy Crawford

                ON ECONOMICS
                "I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
                -- Linda Evangelista

                ON ZEN
                "When I model I'm pretty blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work."
                -- Paulina Porizkova

                ON LOGIC
                "I think, If my butt's not too big for them to be photographing it,
                then it shouldn't be too big for me."
                -- Christy Turlington

                ON BODY PARTS
                "I don't know what to do with my arms. It just makes me feel weird and
                I feel like people are looking at me and that makes me nervous."
                -- Tyra Banks

                ON BODY LANGUAGE
                "You can usually tell when I'm happy by the fact that I've gained weight."
                -- Christy Turlington

                ON DEPRIVATION
                "If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time."
                -- Linda Evangelista

                ON MOTIVATION
                "It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had
                to, and I would."
                -- Kate Moss

                ON VERSATILITY
                "I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."
                -- Linda Evangelista

                ON THE GRIEF PROCESS
                "When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box,
                attached a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation
                Army. It was a big loss."
                -- Veronica Webb

                ON VENGEANCE
                "Girls are always getting mad at each other and they tell their
                hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl's hair."
                -- Tasha

                ON BATTING .667
                "I'm a pretty girl who's a model who doesn't suck as an actress."
                -- Cameron Diaz

                ON ARRIVING
                "Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more
                particular about the acting roles I take."
                -- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'

                ---

                Jobs I Used to Have

                • I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate. You know, same old boring rind over and over again.
                • I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
                • I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.  It was a sew-sew job.
                • I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.
                • I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
                • I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
                • I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn't cut the mustard
                • I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy.
                • I used to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

                ---

                Jokes about Lawyers

                ---

                What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
                Your honor.

                ---

                What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
                Senator.

                ---

                What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
                You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

                ---

                What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
                A good start!

                ---

                How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
                His lips are moving.

                ---

                What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road?
                There are skid marks in front of the dog.

                ---

                How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
                Depends on how thin you slice them.

                ---

                Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
                Professional courtesy.

                ---

                What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
                Not enough sand.

                ---

                When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
                Because down deep, they are all nice guys!!!!

                ---

                How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
                Cut the rope.

                ---

                How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
                Shoot him before he hits the water.

                ---

                What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
                When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

                ---

                What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
                There was an empty seat.

                ---

                How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
                Never enough.

                ---

                Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
                No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

                ---

                What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
                With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

                ---

                What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
                A lobotomy.

                ---

                What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
                One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

                ---

                Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
                He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

                ---

                What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
                Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

                ---

                Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
                From chasing parked ambulances.

                ---

                Where can you find a good lawyer?
                In the cemetery

                ---

                What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
                Their personalities.

                ---

                What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
                The lawyer charges more.

                ---

                What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
                A vampire only sucks blood at night.

                ---

                What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
                A doberman.

                ---

                What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
                When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

                ---

                How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
                Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

                ---

                Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
                Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

                ---

                Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
                It's called, Sosumi.

                ---

                Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
                They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

                ---

                Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
                The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

                ---

                What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
                About three pounds, including the urn.

                ---

                Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon on your software development team:

                1. "This code is a piece of crap! You have no honor!"
                2. "A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code!"
                3. "By filing this bug report you have questioned my family honor. Prepare to die!"
                4. "You question the worthiness of my code?! I should kill you where you stand!"
                5. "Our competitors are without honor!"
                6. "Specs are for the weak and timid!"
                7. "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"
                8. "Perhaps it IS a good day to die! I say we ship it!"
                9. "My program has just dumped Stova Core!"
                10. "Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!"

                ---

                Love, Lust, Marriage

                LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
                LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
                MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in a crowded room.

                LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
                LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
                MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

                LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
                LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
                MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

                LOVE - When you share everything you own.
                LUST - When you steal everything they own.
                MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

                LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
                LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
                MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

                LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
                LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
                MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch.

                LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
                LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
                MARRIAGE - When all you write is cheques.

                LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
                LUST - When you couldn't care less
                MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

                LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
                LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
                MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

                LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
                LUST - When you only see each other naked.
                MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

                LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
                LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
                MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

                LOVE - When nobody else matters.
                LUST - When nobody else knows.
                MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

                LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
                LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
                MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

                LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
                LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
                MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

                LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
                LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
                MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

                ---

                Man versus Woman

                A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
                A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

                A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
                A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

                A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife canspend.
                A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

                To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
                To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

                Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
                Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

                Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
                Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

                A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
                A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

                A woman has the last word in any argument.
                Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

                There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
                before marriage and after marriage.

                ---

                Marriage Quotes

                ---

                I was the best man at the wedding.
                If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
                * Jerry Seinfeld

                ---

                I was married by a judge.
                I should have asked for a jury.
                * George Burns

                ---

                I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word- if only she'd get to it.
                * Henny Youngman

                ---

                My parents stayed together for forty years,
                but that was out of spite.
                * Woody Allen

                ---

                Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
                * Anonymous

                ---

                Why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits, and then complain that he's not the man she married?
                * Barbra Streisand

                ---

                I told someone I was getting married,
                and they said "Have you picked a date yet?
                I said, "Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding!?"
                "What a country! "
                * Yakov Smirnoff

                ---

                Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is.
                * Milton Berle

                ---

                I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.
                If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
                * Henny Youngman

                ---

                I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
                * Rodney Dangerfield

                ---

                Medievil Pick Up Lines

                "Here, Grift, you wouldn't know the best way to pick up a wench, would you?"

                "Pick up a wench? Pick up a wench? That's like asking a brothel-keeper if she knows about the ghones! Course I know how to pick up a wench, Bodger! Why I was picking up wenches before you were born. Here are a few of my favorite pick-up lines to be getting along with."

                1. I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart.
                2. Can I hose down your doublet?
                3. Your eyes are as dark as a castle moat by midnight. Lower your drawbridge and let me cross.
                4. You should be glad I'm not a Viking. You would have been ravaged and plundered by now.
                5. What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?
                6. Come up and see my scrolls.
                7. You can scale my battlements any day, madam.
                8. You scratch my boils and I'll scratch yours.
                9. They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know.
                10. My that's a fine set of chalices you have there.
                11. Ssh, I don't want everyone to know I'm on a secret holy quest.
                12. When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched.

                ---

                Men And Women

                NICKNAMES:

                If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

                EATING OUT:

                And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in a $20 bill, even though the total is only $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

                BATHROOMS:

                A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

                MONEY:

                A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

                ARGUMENTS:

                A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. (Editor note to married men: Forget your mistakes. There's no sense in two people remembering the same thing.)

                GROCERIES:

                A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

                SHOES:

                When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

                CATS:

                Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

                FUTURE:

                A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

                MARRIAGE:

                A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

                NATURAL:

                Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

                DRESSING UP:

                A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

                LAUNDRY:

                Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

                OFFSPRING:

                Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

                ---

                Men Know

                • Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
                • Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.
                • Men know that if she looks like your mother, run!
                • Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.
                • Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
                • Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.
                • Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
                • Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.
                • Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.
                • Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage.
                • Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
                • Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them.
                • Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi.
                • Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.
                • Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

                ---

                Men are like

                Men are like department stores - Their clothes should always be half off.

                Men are like vacations - They never seem to be long enough.

                Men are like computers - Hard to figure out and never enough memory.

                Men are like coolers - Load them up with beer and you can take them anywhere.

                Men are like chocolate bars - sweet, smooth and they usually head straight for your hips.

                Men are like coffee - The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you going all night long.

                Men are like horoscopes - They always tell you what to do and usually they are wrong.

                Men are like plungers - They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or in the bathroom.

                Men are like cement - After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

                Men are like snowstorms - You never know when they are coming, how many inches you will get, or how long it will last.

                ---

                Men's 43 Rules For Women

                1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
                2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major m ale food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
                3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
                4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men arecretins deserving your contempt.
                5. Shopping is not fascinating!
                6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
                7. Unless the answer is yes.
                8. In which case, can he videotape it?
                9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking arseholes.
                10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
                11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
                12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
                13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
                14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
                15. He heard you the first time.
                16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
                17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
                18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
                19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
                20. Dogs good. Cats bad.
                21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
                22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".
                23. "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
                24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
                25. He was not looking at that other girl.
                26. Well, okay... maybe a little.
                27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...
                28. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
                29. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
                30. Your (select appropriate item): butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
                31. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
                32. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
                33. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left the shower.
                34. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
                35. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
                36. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
                37. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the granddaddy of them all.
                38. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
                39. Don't hog the covers.
                40. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the half-time show to act upon that...
                41. He does not just want to be friends.
                42. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"
                /

                ---

                Men's Life Styles Through the Ages

                AGE	DRINK
                17	beer
                25	beer
                35	vodka
                48	double vodka
                66	Maalox
                	SEDUCTION LINE
                17	My parents are away for the weekend.
                25	My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
                35	My fiancee is away for the weekend.
                48	My wife is away for the weekend.
                66	My second wife is dead.
                	FAVORITE SPORT
                17	sex
                25	sex
                35	sex
                48	sex
                66	napping
                	DRUG
                17	pot
                25	coke
                35	really good coke
                48	power
                66	coke, a limousine, the company jet
                	DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
                17	"tongue"
                25	"breakfast"
                35	"She didn't set back my therapy."
                48	"I didn't bump into her kids."
                66	"Got home alive."
                	FAVORITE FANTASY
                17	getting to third
                25	airplane sex
                35	menage a trois
                48	taking his company public
                66	Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
                	HOUSE PET
                17	roaches
                25	stoned-out college roommate
                35	Irish setter
                48	children from his first marriage
                66	Barbi
                	WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
                17	25
                25	35
                35	48
                48	66
                66	17
                	IDEAL DATE
                17	Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
                25	"Split the check before we go back to my place"
                35	"Just come over."
                48	"Just come over and cook."
                66	sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

                ---

                Miss Anthropy

                Male Rants

                • How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
                • I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
                • It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
                • Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.
                • A man complaining to a friend:
                  "I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!"
                  "What happened?" asked the friend.
                  "Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."
                • Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
                • A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California Lottery!" Martha responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!" The man responds, "I don't care... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
                • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.
                • I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
                • A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
                • If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
                • A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.

                ---

                Modern Sociology

                FEUDALISM

                You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

                PURE SOCIALISM

                You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

                BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM

                You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

                FASCISM

                You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

                PURE COMMUNISM

                You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

                RUSSIAN COMMUNISM

                You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

                CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM

                You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

                DICTATORSHIP

                You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

                PURE DEMOCRACY

                You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

                REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY

                You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

                BUREAUCRACY

                You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

                PURE ANARCHY

                You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

                ANARCHO-CAPITALISM

                You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

                SURREALISM

                You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

                OLYMPICS-ISM

                You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.

                ---

                More court room humour

                Things people have [allegedly] actually said in court, word for word:

                ---

                Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
                A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
                Q: And why did that upset you?
                A: My name is Susan.

                ---

                Q: What is your date of birth?
                A: July fifteenth.
                Q: What year?
                A: Every year.

                ---

                Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
                A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
                Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
                A: Yes.
                Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
                A: I forget.
                Q: You forget... Can you give us an example of some thing that you've forgotten?

                ---

                Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
                A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
                Q: How long has he lived with you?
                A: Forty-five years.

                ---

                Q: And where was the location of the accident?
                A: Approximately milepost 199.
                Q: And where is milepost 199?
                A: Probably between milepost 198 and 200.

                ---

                Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
                A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

                ---

                Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
                A: After the accident?
                Q: Before the accident.
                A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

                ---

                Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or a cult?
                A: We both do.
                Q: Voodoo?
                A: We do.
                Q: You do?
                A: Yes, voodoo.

                ---

                Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
                A: Yes.
                Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
                A: Yes, sir.
                Q: What did she say?
                A: "What disco am I at?"

                ---

                More Funny Signs

                • Sign on an electrician's truck:
                  Let us remove your shorts.
                • Maternity Clothes Shop:
                  We are open on labor day.
                • Non-smoking area:
                  If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
                • On a Maternity Room Door:
                  "Push, Push, Push"
                • On a Front Door:
                  Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
                • Optometrist's Office:
                  If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
                • Scientist's Door:
                  Gone Fission
                • Taxidermist Window:
                  We really know our stuff.
                • Podiatrist's Window:
                  Time wounds all heels.
                • Butcher's window:
                  Let me meat your needs.
                • Used Car Lot:
                  Second Hand cars in first crash condition
                • Sign on Fence:
                  Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
                • Car Dealership:
                  The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
                • Muffler Shop:
                  No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
                • Hotel:
                  "Help!" We need inn - experienced people.
                • Butcher's Window:
                  Pleased to meat you.
                • Auto Body Shop:
                  May we have the next dents?
                • Sign in an office:
                  We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
                • Veterinarians:
                  Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! Waiting Room
                • The Electric Company:
                  We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
                • Beauty Shop:
                  Dye now!
                • Garbage Truck:
                  We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
                • Computer Store:
                  Out for a quick byte
                • Diner Window:
                  Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
                • Bowling Alley:
                  Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
                • Cafeteria:
                  Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
                • Music Library:
                  Bach in a minuet.
                • Funeral Home:
                  Drive carefully, we'll wait.

                ---

                More men bashing

                • Why did God put men on earth?
                  Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
                • Why don't women have men's brains?
                  Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
                • Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
                  Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.
                • Why do men masturbate?
                  It's sex with someone they love.
                • Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
                  So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
                • Why did God make man before woman?
                  You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
                • Why is a man's pee yellow and their sperm is white ?
                  So they can tell if they're coming or going.
                • How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
                  Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

                ---

                Most Wanted men

                When choosing a husband, compare these other professions to an engineer.

                DOCTORS

                Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients who is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.

                LAWYER

                Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.

                SALESMAN

                See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be travelling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.

                HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.

                Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.

                TEACHER

                The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolise him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.

                PRIEST

                See Teacher and substitute the word "girls" with "boys".

                ---

                List of possible slogans promoting national condom week

                1. Cover your stump before u hump
                2. Before u attack her, wrap yr whacker
                3. Don't be silly, protect yr willy
                4. When in doubt, shroud yr spout
                5. Don't be a loner, cover yr boner
                6. You cant go wrong if u shield yr dong
                7. If you're not goin to sack it, go home and whack it.
                8. If u think she's spunky cover yr monkey
                9. If u slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
                10. It will be sweeter if u wrap yr peter
                11. She wont get sick if u wrap yr dick
                12. If u go in to heat, package yr meat
                13. While yr undressing venus, dress up yr penis
                14. When u take off her pants and blouse, slip up yr trouser mouse
                15. Especially in december, gift wrap yr member
                16. Never,never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
                17. Dont be a fool, vulcanize yr tool
                18. The right selection will protect yr erection
                19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
                20. A crank with armor will never harm her
                21. No glove, no love!

                ---

                New Words

                1. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
                2. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
                3. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
                4. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
                5. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
                6. Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
                7. Dopelar Effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
                8. Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
                9. Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.
                10. Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
                11. Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.
                12. Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.
                13. Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
                14. Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
                15. Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

                ---

                New viruses

                Beware Of The Following Viruses:

                Ellen Degeneres virus	Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
                Monica Lewinsky virus	Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
                Titanic virus	Makes your whole computer go down.
                Disney virus	Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
                Mike Tyson virus	Quits after one byte.
                Prozac virus	Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care
                Lorena Bobbit virus	Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
                Woody Allen virus	By-passes the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
                Joey Buttafuoco virus	Only attacks minor files.
                Spice Girl virus	Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop
                Ronald Reagan virus	Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored
                Dr Kevorkian virus	Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them
                Oprah Winfrey virus	Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB
                AT&T virus	Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting
                MCI virus	Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus
                Arnold Schwarzenegger virus	Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back
                Viagra virus	Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip drive
                Then there is the Clinton PC	It has a six inch hard drive and no memory.

                ---

                NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE

                It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

                We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive brethren.

                #	Old Phrase	New Phrase
                1.	No fucking way	I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible
                2.	Your fucking joking	Really
                3.	Tell someone who gives a fuck	Have you run that by................
                4.	No cunt told me	I was not involved in that project
                5.	I don't have the fucking time	Perhaps I can work late
                6.	Who fucking cares	Are you sure that is the problem
                7.	Eat shit and die	You don't say
                8.	Eat shit and die motherfucker	You don't say, Sir
                9.	Kiss my arse	So you would like me to help you
                10.	He's a fucking prick	He is somewhat insensitive
                11.	That's fucking bullshit	I find that hard to believe
                12.	You haven't got a fucking clue	You could benefit from more training
                13.	This place is fucked	We are a little disorganised today
                14.	What sort of fucker are you	You're new here aren't you?
                15.	Fuck off shit head	Well there you go
                16.	You're a fucking wanker	You're my manager and I respect you
                17.	Ha! Fuck you	I wasn't there that day
                18.	This is bollocks	We need to look into this some more
                19.	I aint got no cunt	I am rather short of labour
                20.	Fuck off	I'll look into that and get back to you

                ---

                ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND

                Sign in a Laundromat:
                AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

                Sign in a London department store:
                BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

                In an office:
                WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

                Outside a farm:
                HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

                In an office:
                AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

                On a church door:
                THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

                English sign in a German cafe:
                MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

                Outside a secondhand shop:
                WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

                Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
                THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

                Outside a photographer's studio:
                OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

                Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
                SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

                Outside a disco:
                SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

                Sign warning of quicksand:
                QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

                Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
                DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

                Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
                ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL DISPOSED OF.

                Sign on motorway garage:
                PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

                Notice in health food shop window:
                CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

                Spotted in a safari park:
                ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

                Seen during a conference:
                FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

                Notice in a field:
                THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

                Message on a leaflet:
                IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

                Sign on a repair shop door:
                WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

                Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
                BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

                Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
                TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

                ---

                Office Log

                • 8:00 am. It's rather warm and humid in here. The discomfort has me a bit on edge.
                • 8:30 am. A cool glass of water and an apple make me feel better. Others are eying my water and apple enviously. They also seem to be experiencing great discomfort. I give them my other apple and the rest of my water. Everyone seems relieved and more comfortable.
                • 9:00 am. I forage for more apples and water. I share them around. The others say, "Thank you," and act grateful, but they don't seem genuinely relieved by my gifts.
                • 9:20 am. I procure more water. I decide to leave any remaining apples for later. Others seem surprised that I am providing only water.
                • 9:45 am. I can tell the others are getting increasingly hostile because of the heat.
                • 9:55 am. I get more water. When others ask, I explain that there are no more apples. They won't get my apples! I only share water with those who say, "Please."
                • 10:15 am. I have imposed martial law by threatening to withhold water from anyone who does not comply. They _must_ be made to understand that this is for their own good, not to elevate my own position, but I fear that I'm having trouble communicating this idea. To console myself, I have an apple.
                • 10:20 am. There is one remaining apple. Others are demanding a share. Don't they understand? _I'm_ solely in charge now. I need sustenance far more than they to maintain control. I eat the apple.
                • 10:30 am. Others are growing restless as a result of the "Last Apple" incident. I begin restricting water rations to keep them weak and submissive.
                • 10:35 am. When will they learn? No water for the next half hour.
                • 10:40 am. The others are increasingly restless and hostile, despite my best efforts. I fear a coup. I send this log now, lest it fall into the wrong hands following a revolt.

                ---

                On the 12 days of Christmas, my true love gave to me

                December 14, 1998
                Dearest John,

                I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised darling!

                With deepest love,

                Agnes

                ==================================================

                December 15, 1985
                Dearest John,

                Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughful gift. They are truly adorable!

                With all my love,

                Your Agnes

                ==================================================

                December 16, 1985

                Dearest John,

                Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! But I really must protest, I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. My goodness. You are just a darling of course, but I must insist, you've been too kind!

                Love,

                Agnes

                ==================================================

                December 17, 1985

                Dear John,

                Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are plainly beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough?

                You're being too romantic dear.

                Affectionately,

                Agnes

                ==================================================

                December 18, 1985

                Dearest darling John,

                What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings! One for every finger! You're just impossible darling, but oh how I love it! Frankly all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves, I am glad you thought of something different.

                All my love,

                Agnes

                ==================================================

                December 19, 1985

                Dear John,

                When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are interesting, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I can't sleep through all the racket.

                Please stop.

                Cordially,

                Agnes

                ==================================================

                December 20, 1985

                John,

                What is with you and those birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of a joke is this!!?? There's bird poop everywhere! They never shut up, I can't sleep anymore, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny antymore.

                Sincerely,

                Agnes

                ==================================================

                December 21, 1985

                O.K. Buster,

                The birds were bad enough, but what the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? Not to mention their cows!! There are piles of manure all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house!! Just lay off me, or you'll be sorry!

                Agnes

                ==================================================

                December 22, 1985

                Hey Smartass,

                What are you, some kind of sadist!?! Now there's nine pipers playing! Christ do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting a petition against me.

                You'll get yours!

                Agnes

                ==================================================

                December 23, 1985

                You rotten shit!!!

                Now there's ten ladies dancing and having an orgy with the pipers! The cows can't sleep with all the ruckus and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit, and the building commisioner has subpoenaed for operating a farm within the city limits without a permit. I'm calling the police on you creep!

                One who means it!

                ==================================================

                December 24, 1985

                Listen fuckhead! What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies!? Some of those broads will never walk again! The pipers ran through the maids and have been sodomizing the cows. At least the birds are quiet. They were trampled to death in the orgy.

                I am leaving and changing my name. Do not attempt to reach me again. I've gotten an injunction against you so that you cannot come within 100 yards of me at any time. I hope you are satisfied you rotten vicious swine!

                Your sworn enemy,

                Agnes

                ==================================================

                December 25, 1985

                Law Offices of Badger, Binder, and Irwin

                30 Knave Street

                Chicago, Illinois

                Dear Sir,

                This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes McHolstein. The destruction of course was total. We understand that the police have issued a warrant for your arrest.

                If you attempt to reach Ms. McHolstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.

                Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future.

                Cordially,

                Badger, Binder, and Irwin

                ---

                One liners from women

                I wish I knew the answer to number 19.

                1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. [Dolly Parton]
                2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see smart woman with a dumb guy. [Erica Jong]
                3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labour for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. [Rita Rudner]
                4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. [Rita Rudner]
                5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. [Wendy Liebman]
                6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. [Erma Bombeck]
                7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. [Sue Grafton]
                8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. [Roseanne Barr]
                9. I think-therefore I'm single. [Lizz Winstead]
                10. "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." [Elayne Boosler]
                11. "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." [Maryon Pearson]
                12. "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." [Gilda Radner]
                13. "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." [Margaret Thatcher]
                14. "If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." [Margaret Atwood]
                15. "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." [Gloria Steinhem]
                16. "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." [Gloria Steinhem]
                17. "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." [Marie Corelli]
                18. "Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." [Baroness Edith Summerskill]
                19. "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" [Linda Ellerbee]
                20. "I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." [Zsa Zsa Gabor]

                ---

                Other Numbers of the Beast

                OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

                But did you know that:

                660 - Approximate number of the Beast
                DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
                666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
                0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
                / 666 - Beast Common Denominator
                666 ^ (-1) - Reciprocal of the Beast
                1010011010 - Binary of the Beast
                6, uh... what was that number again - Number of the Blonde Beast
                1-666 - Area code of the Beast
                00666 - Zip code of the Beast
                1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now!
                Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
                $665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
                $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
                $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
                $656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
                $646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
                Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
                Route 666 - Way of the Beast
                666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
                666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
                666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
                6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National
                Bank $666 minimum deposit.
                Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
                Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
                i66686 - CPU of the Beast
                666i - BMW of the Beast
                DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
                668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
                665.9999999852 -Intel's new Beast Chip
                chmod 666 -Makes the Beast writable and executable
                umask 666 -File access rights of the beast
                chown 666:666 foo -uid and gid of the beast.
                Farenheit 666 -Ignition temperature of the Beast (Or Sci-fi classic of the Beast)
                666 Mhz -Bus frequency of the Beast
                666 Bottles of Beast on the Wall
                Windows 666 -OS of the Beast
                Mazda 666 -Economy car of the Beast (Hell on Wheels)
                667 -Beast's Dozen
                Boeing 666 -Airplane of the Beast
                6/6/6 -Date of the Beast
                No. 666 -Pencil lead of the Beast (for forms and standardized tests)
                A 666 -Tuning pitch of the Beast
                Chanel No. 666 -Fragrance of the Beast

                ---

                Oxymorons

                Oxymoron's - Or to put it simply - Two words combined that don't make sense

                Act naturally	Airline Food
                Found missing	Almost exactly
                Resident alien	Good grief
                Government organisation	Genuine imitation
                Same difference	Sanitary landfill
                Alone together	Silent scream
                Legally drunk	Sweet sorrow
                Software documentation	British fashion
                Small crowd	New classic
                "Now, then ..."	Living dead
                Business ethics	Military Intelligence
                Childproof	Advanced BASIC
                New York culture	Butt Head
                Soft rock	Computer jock
                Definite maybe	Pretty ugly
                Diet ice cream	Exact estimate
                Christian Scientists	Taped live
                Passive aggression	Terribly pleased
                Peace force	Synthetic natural gas
                Clearly misunderstood	Computer security
                Temporary tax increase	Plastic glasses
                Extinct Life	Political science
                Twelve-ounce pound cake	Tight slacks
                Rap music	Working vacation
                Religious tolerance	Happily Married
                Jumbo Shrimp	Plastic Silverware
                Funny Business	Classic Rock
                Pop Art	Fresh Frozen
                Hip-Hop Artist	French People
                Freewill Baptist	Smart Ass
                Good Woman	Microsoft Works
                Riot Laws	Misinformation

                ---

                Parental Observations

                1. A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
                2. A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
                3. A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
                4. A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
                5. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
                6. Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
                7. Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
                8. Celibacy is not hereditary.
                9. Familiarity breeds children.
                10. For adult education, nothing beats children.
                11. God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once.
                12. God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
                13. Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
                14. Having children will turn you into your parents.
                15. If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
                16. If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
                17. Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
                18. Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
                19. It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
                20. It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
                21. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
                22. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
                23. One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
                24. You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.
                25. Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
                26. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
                27. There are three ways to get things done:
                    1) do it yourself
                    2) hire someone to do it
                    3) forbid your kids to do it
                28. There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
                29. Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
                30. The best thing to spend on your children is time.

                ---

                People of the world

                "To be a Frenchman abroad is to be miserable; to be an American abroad is to make other people miserable." - Ambrose Bierce

                "I can never forgive God for creating the French." - Peter Ustinov

                "Dutch is not so much a language as a disease of the throat" - Mark Twain

                "Heaven is an English policeman, a French cook, a German engineer, an Italian lover and everything organised by the Swiss. Hell is an English cook, a French engineer, a German policeman, a Swiss lover and everything organised by the Italians." - John Elliot

                "Sex is allowed in Scotland only when Rangers beat Celtic." - Ronnie Barker

                "Apart from cheese and tulips, the main product of Holland is advocaat, a drink made from lawyers." - Alan Coren

                "The United States, I believe, are under the impression that they are twenty years in advance of Britain; whilst, as a matter of actual verifiable fact, they are just about six hours behind it." - Harold Hobson

                "It is no longer true that Continentals have a sex life whereas the English have hot-water bottles - the English now have electric blankets." - George Mikes

                ---

                Phrases You Never Want To Hear About Yourself reading the Newspaper

                1. extensive child pornography collection...
                2. pilot error...
                3. reported hearing demonic voices...
                4. history of mental problems...
                5. asphyxiated on his/her own vomit...
                6. shallow grave...
                7. bound with duct tape...
                8. as co-workers scrambled for cover...
                9. a grim-faced spokesman said...
                10. skeletal remains...
                11. tainted meat...
                12. a hiker's chance discovery...
                13. gruesome discovery...
                14. deadly shards of glass...
                15. charred remains...
                16. neighbors complained of a foul odor...
                17. execution-style...
                18. identified by dental records...
                19. horrified onlookers...
                20. hail of bullets...
                21. plea to the abductors...
                22. counseled grieving classmates...
                23. rescuers watched helplessly...
                24. flesh-eating bacteria...
                25. required over 700 stitches...
                26. three times the legal blood alcohol limit...
                27. covered in his/her own excrement...

                ---

                Pick-up Lines And What You Could Say Back To Them

                I know how to please a woman.
                Then please leave me alone.
                
                I want to give myself to you.
                Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
                
                May I see you pretty soon?
                Don't you think I'm pretty now?
                
                Your hair color is fabulous.
                Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.
                
                You look like a dream.
                Go back to sleep.
                
                I can tell that you want me.
                Yes, I want you to leave.
                
                Hey, baby, what's your sign?
                Do not enter or Stop.
                
                I'd go through anything for you.
                Let's start with your bank account.
                
                May I have the last dance?
                You've just had it.
                
                I would go to the end of the world for you.
                Yes, but would you stay there?
                
                Your place or mine?
                Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.
                
                Your body is like a temple.
                Sorry, there are no services today.
                
                Is this seat empty?
                Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
                
                What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
                What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?
                
                Haven't I seen you someplace before?
                Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
                
                If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
                If I could see you naked, I'd die laughing.
                

                ---

                Pig Psychoanalysis

                Heres a little exercise for you to enjoy.......

                On a blank piece of paper draw a pig. Then scroll down and read the interpretation of your pig!!

                Draw your pig first! And don't look at the next part until you are done! It won't be fun if you look first.

                The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the drawer.
                
                
                
                
                
                
                
                
                
                Have you drawn the pig????!!!
                
                
                
                
                
                
                
                
                

                ---

                If the pig is drawn:

                • Toward the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic.
                • Toward the middle, you are a realist.
                • Toward the bottom, you are pessimistic, and have a tendency to behave negatively.
                • Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember dates (birthdays, etc.)
                • Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don't have a strong sense of family, nor do you remember dates.
                • Facing front (looking at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions.
                • Facing rear. Hmmm, when did you last visit a pyschologist??
                • With many details, you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful.
                • With few details, you are emotional and naive, you care little for details and are a risk-taker.
                • With less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living rough a period of major change.
                • With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your ideals.
                • The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are - The bigger the better.
                • The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life !!!! -
                • Again more is better! (Doesn't it go without saying?)
                • OK, who didn't draw a tail?

                ---

                Politically correct male terms

                1. He does not have a beer belly;
                   He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
                2. He is not quiet;
                   He is a Conversational Minimalist.
                3. He is not stupid;
                   He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
                4. He does not get lost all the time;
                   He discovers Alternative Destinations.
                5. He is not balding;
                   He is in Follicle Regression.
                6. He is not a redneck;
                   He is a Genetically-Related American.
                7. You do not kiss him;
                   You become Facially Conjoined.
                8. He does not get falling-down drunk;
                   He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
                9. He does not act like a total butt;
                   He develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
                10. He is not short;
                    He is Anatomically Compact.
                11. He does not have a rich daddy;
                    He is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.
                12. He does not constantly talk about cars;
                    He has a Vehicular Addiction.
                13. He does not have a hot body;
                    He is Physically Combustible.
                14. He is not unsophisticated;
                    He is Socially Malformed.
                15. He does not eat like a pig;
                    He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
                16. He is not a bad dancer;
                    He is Overly Caucasian.
                17. He does not hog the blankets;
                    He is thermally Unappreciative.
                18. He is not a sex machine;
                    He is Romantically Automated.
                19. He is not a male chauvinist pig;
                    He has Swine Empathy.
                20. He does not undress you with his eyes;
                    He is having an introspective pornographic moment.

                ---

                Politically correct operating system

                In order for UNIX(TM) to survive into the new century, it must get rid of its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become compatible with the existing standards of our day. To this end, our technicians have come up with a new version of UNIX, System VI, for use by the PC - that is, the "Politically Correct."

                Politically Correct UNIX

                System VI Release notes

                UTILITIES

                "man" pages are now called "person" pages.

                Similarly, "hangman" is now the "person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime."

                To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the "cat" command is now merely "domestic_quadruped."

                To date, there has only been a UNIX command for "yes" - reflecting the male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no. To address this imbalance, System VI adds a "no" command, along with a "-f[orce]" option which will crash the entire system if the "no" is ignored.

                The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it has been replaced by the more neutral "genre" command.

                The "touch" command has been removed from the standard distribution due to its inappropriate use by high-level managers.

                "compress" has been replaced by the lightweight "feather" command. Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White European Males) should be archived via "tar" and "feather".

                The "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the Reagan era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable "less" command.

                The biodegradable "KleeNeX" displaces the environmentally unfriendly "LaTeX".

                SHELL COMMANDS:

                To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the "kill" command has been renamed "euthanise."

                The "nice" command was historically used by privileged users to give themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be "nice".

                In System VI, the "sue" command is used by unprivileged users to get for themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones.

                "history" has been completely rewritten, and is now called "herstory."

                "quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will be strictly enforced.

                The "abort()" function is now called "choice()."

                TERMINOLOGY

                From now on, "rich text" will be more accurately referred to as "exploitive capitalist text".

                The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes will now be known as "spiritual guides."

                There will no longer be a invidious distinction between "dumb" and "smart" terminals. All terminals are equally valuable.

                Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse video") was white on black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism, particularly with respect to people of African descent. UNIX System VI now uses "regressive video" to refer to white on black, while "progressive video" can be any color at all over a white background.

                For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of "root" and his "wheel" oligarchy. We have instituted a dictatorship of the users. All system administration functions will be handled by the People's Committee for Democratically Organizing the System (PC-DOS).

                No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be "owned" by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and decided how (or whether) to respond to requests from users.

                The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window System. And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed "PC" - for Procreatively Challenged. ---- UNIX(TM) is a trademark of UNIX System Laboratories.

                Any similarity of names or attitudes to that of any person, living or dead is purely coincidental.

                ---

                Poor Excuse for Excuses

                In these samples, names were replaced with either Fred or Mary to protect innocent and guilty alike.
                
                

            18. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
            19. Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
            20. Please excuse Fred for being. It was his father's fault.
            21. Please ackuse Fred being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33,.
            22. Mary was absent from school yesterday as she was having a gangover..
            23. Mary could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins.
            24. Fred has an acre in his side.
            25. Please excuse Fred from P.E. for a few days. He fell yesterday out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
            26. Please excuse Mary from Jim yesterday. She is administrating.
            27. Please excuse Fred for being absent. He had a cold and could not breed well.
            28. Please excuse Mary. She has been sick and under a doctor.
            29. Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
            30. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
            31. Fred was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing area.
            32. Please excuse Fred Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
            33. Fred was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
            34. Please excuse Mary. She is having problems with her ovals.
            35. Please excuse Fred from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.

            ---

            Proper care of floppies

            
            
            1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
            2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
            3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
            4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
            5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
            6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
            7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
            8. Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
            9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)
            10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
            11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

            ---

            Proverbs For The Millennium

            1. Home is where you hang your @
            2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
            3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
            4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
            5. Great groups from little icons grow.
            6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
            7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
            8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
            9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
            10. The modem is the message.
            11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
            12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
            13. A chat has nine lives.
            14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
            15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
            16. What boots up must come down.
            17. Windows will never cease.
            18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
            19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
            20. Modulation in all things.
            21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
            22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
            23. Know what to expect before you connect.
            24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice to deceive.
            25. Speed thrills.
            26. Give anyone a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him how to get on the Internet and s/he won't bother you for weeks.

            ---

            Quirky Questions: Pondering Humor

            1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
            2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
            3. When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose?
            4. How did a fool and his money GET together?
            5. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
            6. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
            7. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
            8. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
            9. How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
            10. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
            11. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
            12. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream containers?
            13. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
            14. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
            15. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
            16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
            17. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
            18. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
            19. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
            20. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
            21. Is there another word for synonym?
            22. Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
            23. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
            24. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
            25. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
            26. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
            27. Why do they report power outages on TV?
            28. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
            29. Is it possible to be totally partial?
            30. What's another word for thesaurus?
            31. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
            32. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
            33. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
                Are they afraid someone will clean them?
            34. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
            35. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
            36. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
            37. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
            38. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
            39. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
            40. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
            41. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
            42. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
            43. When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
            44. What is another word for thesaurus?
            45. Have you noticed that the wrong calls are never busy?
            46. If superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
            47. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
            48. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
            49. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
            50. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
            51. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
            52. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
            53. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
            54. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
            55. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
            56. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
            57. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
            58. You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
            59. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
            60. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
            61. Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
            62. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
            63. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?
                Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
            64. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
            65. Why is it a man can remember baseball stats for certain players from 1935 to present, but can't remember their wife's birthday or their anniversary?
            66. Why is it a woman can remember what her husband's outfits he was wearing on all of their dates but are not sure how long the oil light has been flickering in the car?

            ---

            Quoteable Quotes

            "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
            --Bob Ettinger

            "I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
            --Ellen DeGeneres

            "I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money."
            --Kevin Meaney

            "I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
            --Garry Shandling

            "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
            --Bobcat Goldthwait

            "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabetsoup?"
            --John Mendoza

            "When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other."
            --Rita Rudner

            "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
            --Rita Mae Brown

            "My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."
            --Ron Richards

            "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
            --Rita Rudner

            "I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter."
            --Drew Carey

            "The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
            --Yakov Smirnoff

            "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
            --Lynda Montgomery

            "I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
            --Steven Wright

            "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."
            --Johnathan Katz

            "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
            --Jerry Seinfeld

            "I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes."
            --Steven Wright

            ---

            Real Lawyers' Questions

            The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...

            1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
            2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
            3. Q: What happened then?
               A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
               Q: Did he kill you?
            4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
            5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
            6. Were you alone or by yourself.
            7. How long have you been a French Canadian?
            8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
            9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
               A: That's me.
               Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
            10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
            11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
                A: By death.
                Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
            12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
                A: I'll be three months on November 8.
                Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
                A: Yes.
                Q: What were you doing at that time?
            13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
                A: I used to be.
                Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
            14. So you were gone until you returned?
            15. Q: She had three children, right?
                A: Yes.
                Q: How many were boys?
                A: None.
                Q: Were there girls?
            16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
            17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
                A: Yes.
                Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
            18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
                A: Not yet.
            19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
            20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
                A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
                Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
                A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

                ---

                Real Programmers Don't Write Specs

                1. Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get
                2. Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
                3. Real Programmers don't write aplication programs; they program rightdown on the bare metal.
                4. Application programming is for feebs who can't do system programming.
                5. Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.
                6. Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy application programmers.
                7. Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into working in only a few 30-hour debugging sessions.
                8. Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for the pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
                9. Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night.
                10. Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC, after the age of 12.
                11. Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
                12. Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and Real Programmers waer their climbing boots to work, in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
                13. Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read the listings or the object deck.
                14. Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those pinko computer science languages.
                15. Strong typing is for people with weak memories.

                ---

                Relationship Seminars

                FREE SEMINARS

                All male classes are prepared and presented by females only and all female classes are prepared and presented by males.

                SEMINARS FOR MALES

                1. Combating Stupidity
                2. You, too, can do housework
                3. PMS -- Learn when to keep your mouth shut.
                4. How to fill an ice tray
                5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas -- Give us money
                6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00a.m.
                7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, 'Don't wash my silks')
                8. Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception
                9. Get a life -- learn to cook
                10. How not to act like an asshole when you're obviously wrong
                11. Spelling -- Even you can get it right
                12. Understanding your financial incompetence
                13. You -- The Weaker Sex
                14. Reasons to give flowers
                15. How to stay awake after sex
                16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
                17. Garbage -- Getting it to the curb
                18. You can fall asleep without 'it' if you really try
                19. The morning dilemma if 'It's' awake. Take a shower
                20. I'll wear it if I damn well please
                21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly 'No, it's not a bidet')
                22. 'The weekend' and 'sports' are not synonyms
                23. Give me a break! Why we know your excuses are bullshit
                24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
                25. The remote control -- Overcoming your dependency
                26. Romanticism -- Ideas other than sex
                27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
                28. Mother-in-laws -- They are people, too
                29. Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home
                30. You, too, can be a designated driver
                31. Seeing the true you (formerly 'No, you don't look like Mel Gibson, especially when naked!')
                32. Changing your underwear -- It really works
                33. The Attainable Goal -- Omitting 'TITS' from your vocabulary
                34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is NOT necessary
                35. Techniques for calling home

                NOW, FOR THE FEMALES . . .(SEMINARS WILL BE GIVEN BY MEN ONLY)

                SEMINARS FOR WOMEN

                1. 'Are you ready to leave?' -- Definition of the word 'yes'
                2. Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly, 'Honey, do I look fat?')
                3. Elementary Map Reading
                4. Crying and law enforcement
                5. Advanced Math Seminar -- Program your VCR
                6. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours
                7. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: a study in contrast
                8. The Seven-Outfit Week
                9. PMS -- It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty -- Deal With It)
                10. Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
                11. Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
                12. Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
                13. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving -- It's As Simple As Oil and Water
                14. The Super Bowl: Not a Game -- A Sacrament
                15. Telephone Translations (was: 'Me Too' equals 'I Love You')
                16. How to Earn Your Own Money
                17. Gift-giving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
                18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
                19. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
                20. Beyond 'Clean and Dirty': The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
                21. We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
                22. MYOB: Proper response to other couple's public arguments
                23. Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (was: WE learned to deal with the embarrassment)
                24. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
                25. What Goes Around Comes Around -- Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
                26. The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours
                27. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
                28. Commitment Schmittment (was: Wedlock Schmedlock)
                29. 'To Honor and Obey:' Remembering the small print above 'I Do'
                30. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House 31. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man-child Healing his Father Wound by Expressing the Latent Wild Man Within?

                    Please sign up early. Seats are very limited!

                    ---

                    Renewed Expressions

                    1. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
                    2. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
                    3. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
                    4. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
                    5. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
                    6. Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
                    7. Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
                    8. Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
                    9. Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.
                    10. Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
                    11. Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.
                    12. Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.
                    13. Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
                    14. Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
                    15. Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

                    ---

                    Revised Corporate Policy

                    Our Corporate Operations Committee has defined a lower cost alternative to the previously planned NT and Win 98 system > conversions which will also address the Y2K (Year 2000) issues we are facing.

                    All computers will be removed from the desktop by January 1, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound and viable reasons for this decision:

                    1. No Y2K problems.
                    2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
                    3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
                    4. Reduction in technical support calls will reduce our costs associated with maintaining our I.S. help desk.
                    5. Reduction in hardware costs.
                    6. Elimination of all software license fees.
                    7. Reduction in the amount of training necessary for new hires.
                    8. Can be used at the desktop as well as away from the office due its extreme portability.
                    9. Extremely low cost makes them disposable (when one breaks, we will simply replace it).
                    10. We can now hire 1st graders to do your job.

                    In anticipation of the questions some of you will undoubtedly have regarding this corporate decision, we have prepared a list of the most Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

                    Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
                    A: Pick it up and shake it.

                    Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
                    A: Pick it up and shake it.

                    Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
                    A: Pick it up and shake it.

                    Q: How do I create a New Document window?
                    A: Pick it up and shake it.

                    Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
                    A: Pick it up and shake it.

                    Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
                    A: Pick it up and shake it.

                    Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
                    A: Pick it up and shake it.

                    Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
                    A: Don't shake it.

                    ---

                    Rules That Guys Wish Girls Knew

                    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
                    2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
                    3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
                    4. Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present - again.
                    5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear
                    6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
                    7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
                    8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
                    9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
                    10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
                    11. Shopping is not a sport.
                    12. Anything you wear is fine. Really
                    13. You have enough clothes.
                    14. You have too many shoes.
                    15. Crying is blackmail, Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
                    16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
                    17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work
                    18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
                    19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
                    20. Most guy's own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
                    21. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
                    22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
                    23. Your mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
                    24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
                    25. Check your oil.
                    26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
                    27. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take a quiz together.
                    28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
                    29. lf you don't dress like the Victoria's Secrets girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
                    30. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
                    31. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
                    32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, but not both.
                    33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to during the commercials.
                    34. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
                    35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
                    36. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it just like you do.
                    37. Telling us that the models in men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
                    38. The relationship is never going to be Iike it was the first two months we were going out.

                    ---

                    Rules for Work

                    1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
                    2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
                    3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
                    4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
                    5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
                    6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
                    7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
                    8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
                    9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
                    10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
                    11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
                    12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
                    13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

                    ---

                    The Rules of the Game

                    1. THE FEMALE ALWAYS MAKES THE RULES.
                    2. The rules are subject to change at any time without notification
                    3. No male can possibly know all the rules. Nearly all females are born with this knowledge.
                    4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she may immediately change some or all of them.
                    5. THE FEMALE IS NEVER WRONG
                    6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
                    7. If rule #6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
                    8. THE FEMALE CAN CHANGE HER MIND AT ANY GIVEN POINT IN TIME.
                    9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.
                    10. THE FEMALE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY OR UPSET AT ANY TIME.
                    11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
                    12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
                    13. Any attempt by the male to change these rules is against the rules.

                    ---

                    The Rules Of Writing

                    1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
                       
                    2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
                       
                    3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
                       
                    4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
                       
                    5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
                       
                    6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
                       
                    7. Be more or less specific.
                       
                    8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
                       
                    9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
                       
                    10. No sentence fragments.
                        
                    11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
                        
                    12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
                        
                    13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
                        
                    14. One should NEVER generalise.
                        
                    15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
                        
                    16. Don't use no double negatives.
                        
                    17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
                        
                    18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
                        
                    19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
                        
                    20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
                        
                    21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
                        
                    22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
                        
                    23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
                        
                    24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
                        
                    25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
                        
                    26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
                        
                    27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
                        
                    28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
                        
                    29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
                        
                    30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
                        
                    31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
                        
                    32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
                        
                    33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
                        And finally...
                        
                    34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

                    ---

                    Rules of Bedroom Golf

                    1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
                    2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
                    3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
                    4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
                    5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
                    6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
                    7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
                    8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
                    9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
                    10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
                    11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
                    12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
                    13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
                    14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
                    15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

                    ---

                    Seattle College Entrance Exam

                    1. Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but Michael feels 3% better for every person he denigrates, how long will it take before he's ready to go home if 1 person walks by the cafe every 2 minutes?
                    2. Ursula and Zelda were given a rotweiler at their commitment ceremony. If their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and they walk at a rate of 3/4 mile per hour, how much time will will they spend discussing their relationship in public?
                    3. Jim has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of getting cellulitis on a given day are 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Jim will need to renew his erythromycin prescription during the next week?
                    4. Jerome wants to sell half pound of heroin and make a 20% profit. If it originally cost him $1500 in foodstamps, how much should Courtney write the check for?
                    5. The City of Seattle decides to destroy 50 rats infesting downtown. If 9,800 animal rights activists hold a candlelight vigil, how many people did each dead rat empower?
                    6. A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are tossed randomly in a drawer. What is the likelihood that the first two socks drawn will be socks of color?
                    7. George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattis every morning. If each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine, what is George's average caffeine density in mg/pound?
                    8. There are 250 homes in Ravenna and all of them recycle plastic. If each household recycles 10 soda bottles a day and buys one polar fleece pullover per month, does Ravenna have a monthly plastic surplus or deficit? Bonus question: Assuming all the plastic bottles are 1 liter size, how much Evian are they drinking?
                    9. If the average person can eat one chicken wing in 30 seconds, and the waitress brings a platter of 40 wings, how long will it take five vegans to not eat them?
                    10. Todd begins walking down Broadway with 12 $1 bills in his wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a single buck, how many legs did he have to step over if he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and met only one double-amputee?

                    ---

                    SEMINARS FOR FEMALES

                    (prepared and presented by males)
                    1. Elementary Map Reading
                    2. Crying and Law Enforcement
                    3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
                    4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
                    5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrasts
                    6. The Seven-Outfit Week
                    7. PMS:It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine ("It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it")
                    8. Driving I:Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
                    9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
                    10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
                    11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
                    12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament
                    13. Telephone Translation (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")
                    14. How to Earn Your Own Money
                    15. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
                    16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
                    17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
                    18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station
                    19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
                    20. What Goes Around Comes round: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
                    21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
                    22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
                    23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")
                    24. To Honor and Obey:Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"
                    25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
                    26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

                    SEMINARS FOR MALES

                    (prepared and presented by females)
                    1. Combatting Stupidity
                    2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
                    3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
                    4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
                    5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
                    6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
                    7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
                    8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
                    9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
                    10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass When You're Obviously Wrong
                    11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
                    12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
                    13. You: The Weaker Sex
                    14. Reasons to Give Flowers
                    15. How to Stay Awake in Public
                    16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the bathroom
                    17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
                    18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
                    19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower
                    20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
                    21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled, No, It's Not Automatic)
                    22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
                    23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull
                    24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
                    25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
                    26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
                    27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
                    28. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too
                    29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
                    30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
                    31. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked")
                    32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
                    33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting "tits" From Your Vocabulary
                    34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
                    35. Techniques for calling home

                    ---

                    She was so blond that. . .

                    • she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
                    • she thought a quarterback was a refund.
                    • she tripped over a cordless phone.
                    • she put lipsick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
                    • she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
                    • she told someone to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK."
                    • they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
                    • she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
                    • at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put "Sagittarius."
                    • if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
                    • when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

                    ---

                    Signs You have Been Out of College for a Few Years

                31. Your potted plants stay alive.
                32. Sharing a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
                33. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
                34. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
                35. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
                36. 8:00 a.m. isn't so early anymore.
                37. You have to file for your own taxes.
                38. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
                39. You're not carded anymore.
                40. You carry an umbrella.
                41. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
                42. You start watching the weather channel.
                43. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
                44. You can no longer take shots, and smoking anything gives you a sinus attack.
                45. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
                46. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
                47. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
                48. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
                49. You don't know what time fast-food joints close anymore.
                50. Your car insurance goes down.
                51. You refer to college students as kids.
                52. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon & rum.
                53. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
                54. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of TacoBell.
                55. You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.
                56. The only time you see your friends is at weddings.
                57. College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.
                58. Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
                59. Naps are no longer available between noon and 6pm.
                60. Dinner and a movie - the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
                61. You get your news from sources other than USA Today, Sportscenter and MTV News.
                62. You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.
                63. Your metabolism slows down to the point where eating salad might make you gain weight.
                64. Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.
                65. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
                66. Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
                67. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work, not video games.
                68. You're actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that's not full of 21-year-old kids.
                69. Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.

                    ---

                    Sleeping excuses

                    15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

                    14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

                    13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

                    12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

                    11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

                    10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

                    9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

                    8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

                    7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

                    6. "The coffee machine is broken...."

                    5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

                    4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

                    3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

                    2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

                    AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

                    1. "Amen"

                    ---

                    Software Releases

                    Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev code than that. This e-mail provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.

                    1.0:

                    Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.

                    1.1:

                    We fixed all the killer bugs ...

                    1.2:

                    Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.

                    2.0:

                    We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.

                    2.1:

                    Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.

                    2.2:

                    Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused!

                    2.3:

                    Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!

                    3.0:

                    Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.

                    3.1:

                    Of course, we did break a few little things.

                    4.0:

                    More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ...

                    4.1:

                    Just one or two bugs this time ... Honest!

                    5.0:

                    We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this.

                    6.0:

                    We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.

                    6.1:

                    Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses them.

                    ---

                    Some Quotes

                    "I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money."
                    --Kevin Meaney

                    "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabetsoup?"
                    --John Mendoza

                    "I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter."
                    --Drew Carey

                    "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
                    --Lynda Montgomery

                    "I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes."
                    --Steven Wright

                    ---

                    Some graveyard humour

                    ---

                    On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
                    Here lies
                    Ezekial Aikle
                    Age 102
                    The Good
                    Die Young.
                    

                    ---

                    In a London, England cemetery:
                    Ann Mann
                    Here lies Ann Mann,
                    Who lived an old maid
                    But died an old Mann.
                    Dec. 8, 1767

                    ---

                    In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
                    Anna Wallace
                    The children of Israel wanted bread
                    And the Lord sent them manna,
                    Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
                    And the Devil sent him Anna.

                    ---

                    Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
                    Here lies
                    Johnny Yeast
                    Pardon me
                    For not rising.

                    ---

                    Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
                    Here lies the body
                    of Jonathan Blake
                    Stepped on the gas
                    Instead of the brake.

                    ---

                    In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
                    Here lays Butch,
                    We planted him raw.
                    He was quick on the trigger,
                    But slow on the draw.

                    ---

                    A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
                    Sacred to the memory of
                    my husband John Barnes
                    who died January 3, 1803
                    His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.

                    ---

                    A lawyer's epitaph in England:
                    Sir John Strange
                    Here lies an honest lawyer,
                    And that is Strange.

                    ---

                    Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
                    I was somebody.
                    Who, is no business Of yours.

                    ---

                    Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
                    Here lies Lester Moore
                    Four slugs from a .44
                    No Les No More.

                    ---

                    In a Georgia cemetery:
                    "I told you I was sick!"

                    ---

                    John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
                    Reader if cash thou art
                    In want of any
                    Dig 4 feet deep
                    And thou wilt find a Penny.

                    ---

                    On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
                    She always said her feet were killing her
                    but nobody believed her.

                    ---

                    In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
                    On the 22nd of June
                    - Jonathan Fiddle -
                    Went out of tune.

                    ---

                    Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
                    Here lies the body of our Anna
                    Done to death by a banana
                    It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
                    But the skin of the thing that made her go.

                    ---

                    More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
                    Gone away
                    Owin' more
                    Than he could pay.

                    ---

                    Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
                    In Memory of Beza Wood
                    Departed this life
                    Nov. 2, 1837
                    Aged 45 yrs.
                    Here lies one Wood
                    Enclosed in wood
                    One Wood
                    Within another.
                    The outer wood
                    Is very good:
                    We cannot praise
                    The other.

                    ---

                    On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
                    Under the sod and under the trees
                    Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
                    He is not here, there's only the pod:
                    Pease shelled out and went to God.

                    ---

                    The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:
                    Who was fatally burned
                    March 21, 1870
                    by the explosion of a lamp
                    filled with "R.E. Danforth's
                    Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

                    ---

                    Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
                    Born 1903--Died 1942
                    Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
                    the car was on the way down. It was.

                    ---

                    In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
                    Here lies an Atheist
                    All dressed up
                    And no place to go.

                    ---

                    ---

                    Tandem Story

                    RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:

                    You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted)

                    First, the Assignment:
                    English 44A
                    SMU
                    Creative Writing
                    Prof. Miller
                    In-class Assignment for Wednesday

                    Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. And now, the Assignment as submitted by Rebecca & Gary:

                    =================================================-

                    At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

                    =================================================-

                    Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

                    =================================================

                    He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth == when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

                    =================================================

                    Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty though Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

                    ================================================

                    This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

                    ================================================

                    Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

                    ================================================

                    Asshole.

                    ================================================

                    Bitch.

                    ---

                    Technical Support Nietzsche Style Guidelines:

                    When a user is calling in need of help, don't forget that he is a weak- ling. Only a loser would need to come groveling to you, begging for crumbs of help that may fall from your godlike lips. And he KNOWS that he is a loser in the race of the weak and the strong, that his kind is doomed to extinction. Therefore, show him no mercy. Treat him with the utter contempt that he deserves. It is the law of nature that you should do so.

                    Key Phrases:

                    1. "You aren't very smart, are you?"
                    2. "I can't believe you call yourself a programmer!"
                    3. "Our product is obviously too complex and advanced for you. Please desist from using it - you are soiling it."
                    _______________________________________________________

                    Nevertheless, there may come a time when you actually must help the user, even though he is sucking away your magnificent intellectual vitality with his grotesque shambling confusion. He is a lower form of life and you must make him feel it, lest he take on ambitions of evolving to your level.

                    Key Phrases:

                    1. "Now I will read aloud the section of the manual that you failed to comprehend."
                    2. "You have ignominiously blundered on line 35, committing an error that a Mongoloid programming an abacus would be ashamed of."
                    3. "What you've done in your function foo is the coding equivalent of failing to empty your colostomy bag."
                    _______________________________________________________

                    Alas, upon occasion there comes a time when it is obvious that the software is at fault. This is no reason to let the user feel superior to anyone, however. The design of a this software is still far beyond his limited mental capacities. His duty is to worship, not criticize.

                    Key Phrases:

                    1. "The inner workings of the compiler are far beyond your ant-like comp- rehension."
                    2. "That behavior is described in ANSI specification 21.11.45.7.3.8. You are familiar with that section, I assume..."
                    3. "Our software can behave in that manner only if it has been corrupted by long exposure to users of your caliber."
                    _______________________________________________________

                    And finally, a user may eventually want you to code something for him, or send him an example. The user has asked something that is against the laws of nature. Such creatures as himself exist to serve you and not you him. Therefore such a request is impossible and against nature, and does not exist, and therefore never happened. Response is not possible.

                    ---

                    Ten best things to say when caught sleeping at your desk

                    1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
                    2. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
                    3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the tipp-ex. You probably got here just in time!"
                    4. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
                    5. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
                    6. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
                    7. "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
                    8. "The coffee machine is broken..."
                    9. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
                       
                       And the best thing to say when caught sleeping at your desk..
                       
                       
                    10. " ... Amen."

                    ---

                    Thats Not In The Script

                    The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson's Character "Jedi Master Mace Windu" Say in the Star Wars Prequels

                    1. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.
                    2. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.
                    3. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room... accept no substitutes.
                    4. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.
                    5. Feel the Force, motherfucker.
                    6. What ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on what?
                    7. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
                    8. Yeah Chewie Rocky Horror's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a wookie.
                    9. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
                    10. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Bad Mother Fucker."

                    ---

                    The AOL Car

                    If AOL built cars:

                    1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
                    2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
                    3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
                    4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
                    5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
                    6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
                    7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
                    8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
                    9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
                    10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
                    11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
                    12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
                    13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
                    14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
                    15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
                    16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
                    17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
                    18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
                    19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
                    20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
                    21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

                    ---

                    The Beer-Me diet

                    It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet.

                    Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!

                    FACT: A light beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.

                    FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.

                    FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).

                    FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep- even when you aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other fad diets.

                    In addition, you may experience the occasional "How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.

                    FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.

                    FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least half of the day's required beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.

                    FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a beer - perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.

                    FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.

                    Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet implementation.

                    CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.

                    MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob.

                    FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).

                    SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin.

                    Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.

                    SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel hungry.

                    SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game (fact - look it up).

                    Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the entire day - you don't want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time.

                    Don't forget the aspirin.

                    MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly mellow.

                    Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming weekend.

                    ---

                    The Chauvanists Guide To Housekeeping

                    This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you.

                    1. Make the beds...... What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that. Scratch one.
                    2. Pick up dog poop in yard....... It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop ? Scratch two.
                    3. Drop your skirts off at the cleaners....... Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them. Scratch three. This is easy, what's the fuss? Think I'll go on AOL for awhile.
                    4. Clean out Tupperware cabinet....... Uhhhh that's a hard one. GOT IT, Velcro on the door will keep them closed. Scratch four.
                    5. Mop kitchen floor..... The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me. Scratch five. Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.
                    6. Find something fun for the kids to do..... That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun. Scratch six. This is way to easy I'll have lots of time for AOL.
                    7. Vacuum the carpets...... That's a hard one....... Hey kids wanna have some more FUN? Scratch seven.
                    8. Feed kids lunch..... Hey kids, don't you have a friend's house to go to? YESSSS Scratch eight !!!!!!
                    9. Clean out hallway closet...... Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed. Scratch nine.
                       
                       Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishes !!!
                       
                       
                    10. Do laundry..... no problem I can do that while I'm on AOL. Scratch ten.
                    11. Fold laundry..... dang. Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear ?? Check this out a cashmere Barbie sweater, cool. Scratch eleven.
                    12. Put the laundry away.... Baskets in bedrooms work for me. Scratch twelve.
                        
                        This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work???
                        
                        
                    13. Water the Christmas tree... Ooop's! Good thing the carpet is absorbent! Scratch thirteen.
                    14. Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper....... These old newspapers will do, besides, that's recycling & that's good for the earth.... Scratch fourteen.
                    15. Pick up the kids ...... Yeah right; we're talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off. They'll be back. Scratch fifteen.
                    16. Make dinner..... Easy, "Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow." Scratch sixteen.
                    17. Clean out the dog house...... duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done. Scratch seventeen.
                        
                        WOW all done. Still time for some AOL & a nap....... Man this is sooooo easy.
                        
                        Women must complain about house work just to make us guys think they're working. Wish I was a chick!

                    ---

                    The Element: Woman

                    ELEMENT: WOMAN

                    SYMBOL: WO

                    DISCOVERER: ADAM

                    ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.

                    OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

                    Physical Properties:

                    1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.
                       
                    2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
                       
                    3. Melts if given special treatment.
                       
                    4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
                       
                    5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
                    6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

                    Chemical Properties:

                    1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
                    2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
                    3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.
                    4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
                    5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

                    Common Uses:

                    1. Highly ornamental.
                    2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.
                    3. Very effective cleaning agent.

                    Tests:

                    1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
                    2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

                    Hazards:

                    1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
                    2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens don't come into contact with each other.

                    ---

                    THE GAG TEST

                    Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

                    EGGS
                    When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

                    DAIRY PRODUCTS
                    Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.

                    MAYONNAISE
                    If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

                    FROZEN FOODS
                    Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

                    EXPIRATION DATES
                    This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.

                    MEAT
                    If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

                    BREAD
                    Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

                    LETTUCE
                    Lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without a ladle.

                    CANNED GOODS
                    Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

                    CARROTS
                    A carrot that you can tie a knot in is not fresh.

                    RAISINS
                    Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

                    POTATOES
                    Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

                    CHIP DIP
                    If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

                    EMPTY CONTAINERS
                    Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you have a wife or a maid.

                    UNMARKED ITEMS:
                    Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

                    GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
                    Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

                    ---

                    Facts You should know about The Good Times Computer Virus

                    Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.

                    It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

                    Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.

                    It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

                    It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

                    Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methanphedime in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.

                    ---

                    The Manliness Test

                    The Manliness Assessment ; Choose a, b or c for each question

                    1. ) In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
                       a) lovemaking
                       b) screwing
                       c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
                       
                    2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
                       a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
                       b) your blood-test results
                       c) five tequila slammers
                       
                    3. You time your orgasm so that:
                       a) your partner climaxes first
                       b) you both climax simultaneously
                       c) you don't miss Sports Tonight
                       
                    4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
                       a) healthy, creative love-play
                       b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
                       c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
                       
                    5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
                       a) the best part of the experience
                       b) the second best part of the experience
                       c) $100 extra
                       
                    6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
                       a) No concern of yours
                       b) not a problem, she can join your gym
                       c) a very conservative estimate
                       
                    7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
                       a) a myth
                       b) an oxymoron
                       c) a moron
                       
                    8. Foreplay is to sex as:
                       a) appetizer is to entree
                       b) primer is to paint
                       c) a line is to an amusement park ride
                       
                    9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
                       a) "I hope we can still be friends."
                       b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
                       c) "Welcome to Dumpsville; population, YOU."
                       
                    10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
                        a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
                        b) is uptight and a waste of time
                        c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
                        

                    Evaluating the results:
                    If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

                    If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.

                    If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "You're the MAN!

                    ---

                    The Toughest Questions Women Ask...

                    There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine.

                    The five questions are:

                    1. "What are you thinking?"
                    2. "Do you love me?"
                    3. "Do I look fat?"
                    4. "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
                    5. "What would you do if I died?"

                    What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

                    1 - "What are you thinking?"

                    The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

                    a - Football
                    b - Baseball
                    c - How fat you are.
                    d - How much prettier she is than you.
                    e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
                    

                    According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

                    The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

                    2 - "Do you love me?"

                    The correct answer to this question is, "Yes". For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:

                    a - I suppose so.
                    b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
                    c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
                    d - Does it matter?
                    e - Who, me?
                    

                    3 - "Do I look fat?"

                    The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
                    Wrong answers include:

                    a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
                    b - Compared to what?
                    c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
                    d - I've seen fatter.
                    e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
                    

                    4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"

                    The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
                    Wrong answers include:

                    a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
                    b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
                    c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
                    d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
                    e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
                    

                    5 - "What would you do if I died?"

                    Correct answer:
                    "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

                    "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"

                    "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
                    "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
                    "No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
                    "Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
                    "Of course I do, dear" he said.
                    "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
                    "All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
                    "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
                    "Yes" said the husband.
                    "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
                    "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
                    "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
                    "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
                    "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
                    "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
                    "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
                    "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."

                    ---

                    The Truth About Cats And Dogs

                    What is a Cat?

                    1. Cats do what they want.
                    2. They rarely listen to you.
                    3. They're totally unpredictable.
                    4. They whine when they are not happy.
                    5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
                    6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
                    7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
                    8. They're moody.
                    9. They leave hair everywhere.
                    10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

                    Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

                    What is a Dog?

                    1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
                    2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
                    3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
                    4. They growl when they are not happy.
                    5. When you want to play, they want to play.
                    6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
                    7. They are great at begging.
                    8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
                    9. They leave their toys everywhere.
                    10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

                    Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

                    ---

                    The worlds easiest quiz

                    THE WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ?

                    ---

                    (Answers at the bottom Hey - NO Cheating)

                    1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
                    2. Which country makes Panama hats?
                    3. From which animal do we get catgut?
                    4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
                    5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
                    6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
                    7. What was King George VI's first name?
                    8. What color is a purple finch?
                    9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
                    10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?
                    
                    
                    
                    

                    ---

                    ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

                    1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
                    2. Ecuador.
                    3. From sheep and horses.
                    4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
                    5. Squirrel fur.
                    6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
                    7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
                    8. Distinctively crimson.
                    9. New Zealand.
                    10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

                    ---

                    The nine types of users

                    The nine types of users

                    El Explicito - "I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but now it doesn't, ya know?"

                    Advantages: Provides interesting communication challenges.

                    Disadvantages: So do chimps.

                    Symptoms: Complete inability to use proper nouns

                    Real Case: One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and said, "I can't get what I want!" The pod manager leaned back, put his hands on his belt-buckle, and said, "Well, ma'am, you've come to the right place."

                    Mad Bomber - "Well, I hit ALT-f6, shift-f8, CNTRL-f10, f4, and f9, and now it looks all weird."

                    Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems.

                    Disadvantages: User might have translated document to Navajo without meaning to.

                    Symptoms: More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter ratio in WordPerfect

                    Real Case: One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document was underlined. When I used reveal codes on it, I found that he'd set and unset underline more than fifty times in his document.

                    Frying Pan/Fire Tactician - "It didn't work with the data set we had, so I fed in my aunt's recipe for key lime pie."

                    Advantages: Will usually fix error.

                    Disadvantages: 'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here.

                    Symptoms: A tendency to delete lines that get errors instead of fixing them.

                    Real Case: One user complained that their program executed, but didn't do anything. The scon looked at it for twenty minutes before realizing that they'd commented out EVERY LINE. The user said, "Well, that was the only way I could get it to compile."

                    Shaman - "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick, and formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo, it did compile."

                    Advantages: Gives insight into primitive mythology.

                    Disadvantages: Few scon are anthropology majors.

                    Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelevant objects.

                    Real Case: One user complained that all information on one of their disks got erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but empty sectors, I suspect nothing had ever been on it). Reasoning that the deleted information went *somewhere*, they wouldn't shut up until the scon checked four different disks for the missing information.

                    X-user - "Will you look at those. . .um, that resolution, quite impressive, really."

                    Advantages: Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology.

                    Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in graphics technology.

                    Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindness

                    Real Case: When I was off duty, two users sat down in front of me at DEC station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring. I suppressed my laughter while, for twenty minutes, they sat down and did their best to act like they were doing exactly what they wanted to do, even though they couldn't log in.

                    Miracle Worker - "But it read a file from it yesterday!" 'Sir, at a guess, this disk has been swallowed and regurgitated.' "But I did that a month ago, and it read a file from it yesterday!"

                    Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around.

                    Disadvantages: People complain when scon actually use the word 'horse-puckey'.

                    Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around. Must be the kryptonite in your pocket.

                    Real Case: At least three users have claimed that they've loaded IBM WordPerfect from Macintosh disks.

                    Taskmaster - "Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know how I can upload it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there, download it onto an IBM, convert it to WordPerfect, and put it in three-column format?"

                    Advantages: Bold new challenges.

                    Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.

                    Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendencies to make machines do things they don't want to do.

                    Real Case: One user tried to get a scon to find out what another person's E-mail address was even though the user didn't know his target's home system, account name, or real name.

                    Maestro - "Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on, like this, and after that, I typed in my password, like this, and after that I edited my file, like this, and after that I went to this line here, like this, and after that I picked my nose, like this."

                    Advantages: Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.

                    Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.

                    Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay, but what was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the phrase, "Well, I'm getting to that."

                    Real Case: I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user's shoulder while they continuously retrieved a document into itself and denied that they did it (the user was complaining that their document was 87 copies of the same thing).

                    Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males) "I need a Mac, and someone's got the one I like reserved, would you please garrote him and put him in the paper recycling bin?"

                    Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service.

                    Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on this planet.

                    Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by complaining.

                    Real Case: One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because he (the user) didn't like it.

                    ---

                    Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving

                    Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving, But Aren't...

                70. "Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
                71. "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
                72. "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
                73. "Talk about a huge breast!"
                74. "It's Cool Whip time!"
                75. "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
                76. "Are you ready for seconds yet?"
                77. "Are you going to come again next time?"
                78. "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
                79. "Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
                80. "Don't play with your meat."
                81. "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
                82. "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
                83. "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
                84. "You still have a little bit on your chin."
                85. "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
                86. "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
                87. "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
                88. "Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
                89. "How many are coming?"
                90. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
                91. "Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."
                92. "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

                    ---

                    Things Dogs have to remember

                    1. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
                    2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
                    3. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
                    4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
                    5. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
                    6. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
                    7. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
                    8. I will not throw up in the car.
                    9. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
                    10. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
                    11. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
                    12. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
                    13. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
                    14. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
                    15. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
                    16. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
                    17. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
                    18. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
                    19. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
                    20. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
                    21. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
                    22. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

                    ---

                    Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

                    1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
                    2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
                    3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
                    4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
                    5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
                    6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
                    7. Shave.
                    8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
                    9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
                    10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
                    11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
                    12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
                    13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
                    14. One word: Flatulence!
                    15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
                    16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
                    17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
                    18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
                    19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
                    20. Meow occasionally.
                    21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
                    22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
                    23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
                    24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
                    25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
                    26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
                    27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
                    28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
                    29. Leave a box between the doors.
                    30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
                    31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
                    32. Start a sing-along.
                    33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
                    34. Play the harmonica.
                    35. Shadow box.
                    36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
                    37. Lean against the button panel.
                    38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
                    39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
                    40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
                    41. Bring a chair along.
                    42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
                    43. Blow spit bubbles.
                    44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
                    45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
                    46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
                    47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
                    48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at the passengers.
                    49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
                    50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
                    51. Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone's shoes.
                    52. Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming "Aaughh! Get them off!"
                    53. Challenge your neighbor to a "Tic-Tac-Toe" tournament.
                    54. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.
                    55. Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only a bath robe. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come home early just when it's getting to the good part.
                    56. Make chalk drawings on the walls.
                    57. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting "Down! I said down, dammit!"
                    58. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.
                    59. Try to get a game of "Twister" going.
                    60. Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.

                    ---

                    Things You Do Not Want To Hear In Surgery

                    1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
                    2. Somebody call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
                    3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
                    4. Sparky! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
                    5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
                    6. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
                    7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
                    8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff before?
                    9. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
                    10. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off
                    11. What's this doing here?
                    12. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
                    13. That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!
                    14. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
                    15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
                    16. Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
                    17. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
                    18. Next, we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
                    19. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
                    20. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
                    21. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
                    22. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
                    23. What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
                    24. She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
                    25. FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out!
                    26. "Psss! Com'on and watch. Pooh's going to goose the surgeon!"
                    27. "And next week, we'll be learning how to stitch up a patient..."
                    28. "Your name is Rainy what and you want to do what to the patient????"

                    ---

                    Things you would never know without the movies

                    1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
                    2. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
                    3. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
                    4. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
                    5. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
                    6. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
                    7. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
                    8. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
                    9. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
                    10. Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
                    11. If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
                    12. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
                    13. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
                    14. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
                    15. When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
                    16. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
                    17. Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
                    18. If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
                    19. Free-lance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
                    20. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
                    21. All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
                    22. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
                    23. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
                    24. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage, despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
                    25. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
                    26. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
                    27. When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
                    28. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
                    29. Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.
                    30. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
                    31. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in nuclear fission at age 23.
                    32. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

                    ---

                    Three Proofs Jezus was

                    THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
                    1. He never got married
                    2. He never held a steady job
                    3. His last request was a drink
                    THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
                    1. His first name was Jesus
                    2. He was always in trouble with the law
                    3. His mother did not know who his father was
                    THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
                    1. He talked with his hands
                    2. He had wine with every meal
                    3. He worked in the building trades
                    THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
                    1. He called everybody brother
                    2. He had no permanent address
                    3. Nobody would hire him
                    THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN
                    1. He never cut his hair
                    2. He walked around barefoot
                    3. He invented a new religion

                    ---

                    Tips for a perfect day?!

                    HER PERFECT DAY:

                    • 8.45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
                    • 9.00 Five pounds lighter on the scale
                    • 9.30 Light breakfast
                    • 11.00 Sunbathe
                    • 12.30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
                    • 13.45 Shopping
                    • 14.30 Run into boyfriend's or husband's ex and find she's put on thirty pounds
                    • 15.00 Facial, massage and nap
                    • 19.30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
                    • 22.00 Make love
                    • 23.30 Pillow talk and fall asleep in his big, strong arms

                    HIS PERFECT DAY

                    • 6.45 Wake up
                    • 7.00 Shower and massage
                    • 7.30 Blowjob
                    • 7.45 Massive dump while reading Sports Section
                    • 8.15 Limo arrives; Bloody Marys on way to airport
                    • 8.45 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia
                    • 10.00 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club
                    • 12.00 Lunch: two dozen oysters and a few Heinekens
                    • 12.30 Blowjob
                    • 12.45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club
                    • 14.30 Limo back to Augusta airport to take private jet to Nassau, Bahamas
                    • 15.30 Afternoon fishing with all-female, topless crew. Catch 1,250-pound blue marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers plus a few more Heinekens, followed by a nap
                    • 18.15 Blowjob
                    • 18.30 Return flight with full body massage by topless stewardess
                    • 19.30 Shit, shower and shave
                    • 20.00 Watch CNN coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in same scandal (which includes graphic pictures of unusual positions and large farm animals)
                    • 21.00 Dinner at the Ritz: Oysters Casino, magnum of Dom Perignon, fettucine Alfredo, 20-oz. filet mignon steaks, Gorgonzola salad, magnum of 1963 Chateau Lafitte Rothschild, creme brule, cigars and a Luis XII cognacs, Cohiba Lancero.
                    • 22.30 Sex with three women (at least two of mixed race origin)
                    • 23.30 Whirlpool, steam bath and massage. Women then get dressed quietly and leave in a taxi
                    • 24.00 Fall asleep

                    ---

                    To My Dear Wife

                    During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed often.

                    1	The sheets are clean	54 times
                    2	It is too late	17 times
                    3	Too tired from shopping all day	49 times
                    4	It is too early	20 times
                    5	It is too hot	15 times
                    6	Pretending to be asleep	15 times
                    7	The neighbors will hear us	3 times
                    8	Headache	22 itmes
                    9	Sunburn	7 times
                    10	Your Mother will hear us	9 times
                    11	Not in the mood	43 times
                    12	You will wake the baby	17 times
                    13	Watching the late show	6 times
                    14	New Hairdo	5 times
                    15	Too sore	16 times
                    16	Wrong time of month	36 times
                    17	Have to get up early	19 times

                    Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because two times you just laid there, four times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, three times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, two times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

                    ---

                    To My Dear Husband

                    I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get it more often than you did.

                    1	Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat	15 times
                    2	Did not come home at all	36 times
                    3	Did not come	21 times
                    4	Came too soon	33 times
                    5	Went soft before you got it in	33 times
                    6	Toes cramped	10 times
                    7	Working too late	38 times
                    8	Have to get up early to play golf	29 times
                    9	Had a fight and someone kicked you in the nuts	2 times
                    10	Caught Herman in your zipper	4 times
                    11	Caught a cold and your nose kept running	3 times
                    12	Burned your tongue on hot coffee	3 times
                    13	You had a splinter in your finger	2 times
                    14	Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book	16 times
                    15	Watching football on TV	98 times
                    16	Hemorrhoids flared up.	10 times

                    Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you were making love to the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

                    ---

                    Top 10 Reasons Why It Sucks to Be a Guy

                    1. You have to take out the garbage.
                    2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
                    3. No sofas in your restrooms.
                    4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
                    5. Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
                    6. James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.
                    7. Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
                    8. You have to wear ties.
                    9. You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
                    10. "Women and children first."

                    ---

                    Top 10 Signs that You are Web Overdosed

                    Top 10 Signs that You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web
                    1. Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?"
                    2. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 1.1" on one of the clouds.
                    3. You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.
                    4. You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.
                    5. One of your best friends is Mirsky, and you've never met him.
                    6. You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back" button.
                    7. You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.
                    8. Your dog has his own webpage.
                    9. So does your hamster.

                       And the Best sign that you have overdosed on the World Wide Web:
                       
                       

                    10. When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

                        ---

                        Top 10 Signs You Had Too Much Of The 90's

                        1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
                        2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
                        3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
                        4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
                        5. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
                        6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
                        7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
                        8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.
                        9. Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.
                        10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. >> (what's Echinacea??)

                        ---

                        Top ten TV shows in Iraq

                        1. Husseinfeld
                        2. Mad About Everything
                        3. Allah McBeal
                        4. Wheel of Fortune and Terror
                        5. Achmed's Creek
                        6. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
                        7. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest
                        8. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
                        9. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs
                        10. Suddenly Sanctions

                        ---

                        Top 10 Things You will Never Hear A Wife Say

                        1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
                        2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
                        3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
                        4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
                        5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
                        6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
                        7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
                        8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
                        9. Let's subscribe to Penthouse.
                        10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

                        ---

                        Top 10 reasons computers must be male

                        Top 10 reasons computers must be male

                        10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

                        9. A better model is always just around the corner.

                        8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

                        7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

                        6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

                        5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

                        4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

                        3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

                        2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

                        1. Size does matter

                        ---

                        TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean)

                        1. Let's be friends.
                           (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all] the other men I meet and have sex with.)
                        2. I'm celibate.
                           (I've sworn off the likes of you or I'd rather be gang raped by midgets or I'd rather drink turpentine and piss on a brush fire or when bats fly out of my butt.)
                        3. I'm concentrating on my career.
                           (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
                        4. It's not you, it's me.
                           (It's you.)
                        5. I don't date men where I work.
                           (I wouldn't date you if you're in the same *solar system*, much less the same building.)
                        6. I've got a boyfriend.
                           (I prefer my male cat and 1/2 gallon Ben & Jerry's ice cream.)
                        7. My life is too complicated right now.
                           (I don't want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
                        8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
                           (You ugly dork.)
                        9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
                           (I don't want to do my DAD.)
                        10. I think of you as a brother.
                            (You remind me of that inbred banjo geek in "Deliverance.")

                        ---

                        Top 10 ways the internet could get worse

                        1. Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.
                        2. "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment, declare internet lawyers Canter & Siegel.
                        3. Home shopping "network".
                        4. Netrek corporate sponsorships. Out: Orion, Pollux, Klingus. In: Planet Bud, Toyota Prime, Intelworld.
                        5. Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.
                        6. Dan Quayle appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team".
                        7. Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.
                        8. Gameboy web browsers.
                        9. Tipper Gore cancelbot unleashed onto the net.

                           AND THE BEST WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE:

                        10. Two words: "Microsoft Network"

                            ---

                            Top 100 reasons why its Great to be a guy

                            1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
                            2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
                            3. You know stuff about tanks.
                            4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
                            5. Monday Night Football.
                            6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
                            7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
                            8. You can open all your own jars.
                            9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
                            10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
                            11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
                            12. Your ass is never a factor in job interviews.
                            13. All your orgasms are real.
                            14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
                            15. Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
                            16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
                            17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
                            18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
                            19. Your last name stays put.
                            20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
                            21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
                            22. You can kill your own food.
                            23. The garage is all yours.
                            24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
                            25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
                            26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
                            27. You never have to clean a toilet.
                            28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
                            29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
                            30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
                            31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
                            32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
                            33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
                            34. You don't have to shave below your neck.
                            35. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
                            36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
                            37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
                            38. You can write your name in the snow.
                            39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
                            40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
                            41. Chocolate is just another snack.
                            42. You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
                            43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
                            44. Flowers fix everything.
                            45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
                            46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
                            47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
                            48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
                            49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
                            50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
                            51. Foreplay is optional.
                            52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
                            53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
                            54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
                            55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
                            56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
                            57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
                            58. You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.
                            59. You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.
                            60. The world is your urinal.
                            61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
                            62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
                            63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
                            64. One mood, all the time
                            65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
                            66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
                            67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
                            68. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
                            69. Same work...more pay!
                            70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
                            71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
                            72. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
                            73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
                            74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
                            75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
                            76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
                            77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
                            78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
                            79. ESPN's SportsCenter.
                            80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
                            81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
                            82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
                            83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
                            84. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
                            85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
                            86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
                            87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it."
                            88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
                            89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
                            90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
                            91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
                            92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
                            93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
                            94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
                            95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
                            96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
                            97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
                            98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
                            99. Baywatch
                            100. There's always a game on somewhere.

                            ---

                            The Top 12 Things Not to Say to a Cop...

                            1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (Okay in Texas)
                            2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
                            3. Aren't you the gay guy from the Village People?
                            4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
                            5. Are You Andy or Barney?
                            6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
                            7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
                            8. I pay your salary!
                            9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The officer yesterday only gave me a warning, too!
                            10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
                            11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
                            12. When the Officer says "Gee Son... Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee, Officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

                            ---

                            Top 13 New Wonder Drugs

                            1. Monicquil -- The against-the-wall, under-the-desk, in-the-bathroom, with-a-cigar, grabbing-in-public, with-the-wife-away so you can lie medicine.
                            2. Sosaloft -- Cures depression, helps you get back into the game.
                            3. TetrisCyclin -- A treatment for video game addiction.
                            4. Pubepicia -- Hair-growing drug for your crotch.
                            5. Lilithium -- Gives you the dreamy, starry-eyed frame of mind of a female folk singer.
                            6. Sodium Pentagon -- Inhibits lying by U.S. military defense contractors.
                            7. Methadome -- Synthetic substitute designed to wean men from Rogaine.
                            8. Tripp-tophan -- The laxative that's guaranteed to make the shit hit the fan.
                            9. PhenylBarbieDoll -- Causes pubescent girls to sprout legs like a giraffe and enormous perky breasts.
                            10. Elton John's Wort -- Helps maintain one's sense of well- being even while obliterating one's sense of fashion.
                            11. Cohiba -- The women's suppository.
                            12. Viagrogaine -- Makes your hair like Don King's.

                                and The Best New Wonder Drug...
                                

                            13. Phuquitol -- The all-natural stress reliever whose name says all.

                            ---

                            Top 14 Euphemisms for Presidential Stains

                            1. Poll Results
                            2. Foreign Body Relations Sub-Committee
                            3. Stain of the Union on Dress
                            4. Executive Dribblage
                            5. One Less Stanford Tuition
                            6. That About Which Hillary Was Not Consulted
                            7. Friendly Fire
                            8. The Intern's Nametag
                            9. Heir Force One
                            10. Results of Post-Erection Euphoria
                            11. Troop Pullout Lateral Casualties
                            12. Billy Jack
                            13. Leak from the White House Staff

                                and The Best Euphemism for Presidential Stains...
                                

                            14. Citizen Stain

                            ---

                            Top 15 Basic Rules for driving in Holland

                            1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the construction barrels.
                            2. Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle so never use them.
                            3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
                            4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
                            5. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. (Remember no-fault insurance, he might not have much to lose, you do.)
                            6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your anti-lock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
                            7. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit but before the traffic begins to back up.
                            8. The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information; they're just to make the Turnpike look progressive.
                            9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the motorway.
                            10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make Holland look as if it conforms with other countries policies; these are given only as suggestions and are readily unenforceable.
                            11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that the driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
                            12. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you're lucky, you may see the unwitting breakdown victim get mugged, the proceeds of which are vested directly into the Democratic frontrunner's campaign for governor.
                            13. Learn to swerve abruptly. Holland is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the City Councils, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
                            14. It is traditional in Holland to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. The city is founded upon such traditions.
                            15. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

                            ---

                            15 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex

                            1. You can GET chocolate.
                            2. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
                            3. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
                            4. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
                            5. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
                            6. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
                            7. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
                            8. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
                            9. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
                            10. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
                            11. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
                            12. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
                            13. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
                            14. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
                            15. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good

                                ---

                                The Top 15 Ways to Get a Jump on the Holiday Season

                                1. Be the *first* person in 1998 to mass-forward that naughty version of the "Night Before Christmas" to everyone on the planet with an e-mail account.
                                2. Shop door-to-door in a Santa suit with an empty sack and a .38 Special.
                                3. Spend the weekend drunk on egg nog and weeping to "It's a Wonderful Life" just to get it over with.
                                4. E-mail apologies in advance for your behavior at the upcoming office holiday party.
                                5. Send away now for your blowup Janet Reno before she resigns and they become collectors' items.
                                6. That perfect holiday pick-me-up: hot cocoa and amphetamines!
                                7. Send out that bid on the mistletoe contract for the Army Drill Seargents' Christmas party.
                                8. Make sure Gore can handle things for a few hours, then declare a state of emergency at Victoria's Secret and do some "personal shopping."
                                9. Put the Suicide Prevention Hotline in your speed dial to avoid a repeat of last year's drunken New Year's Eve 411 fiasco.
                                10. This year, spatulas for everyone!
                                11. Inject lard directly into ass, thus bypassing lengthy digestive processes.
                                12. Just sit back, turn on the Home Shopping Network, and order the next 20 or 30 items.
                                13. Practice co-dependent passive-agressive guilt-projecting behavior so you'll be ready for round one of the annual Family Feud.
                                14. Exchange "favors" with the Wal-Mart cart-boy to get inside info on when the Brut Holiday Gift Sets arrive.
                                    
                                    and the Best Way to Get a Jump on the Holiday Season...
                                    
                                    
                                15. Address box to Miss Pamela Anderson, scrawl "I want you bak huney, (singed) Tommy Lee", add *lots* of postage, strip nude except for Santa hat, climb in, seal firmly from inside, and wait.

                                ---

                                The Top 16 Signs Your Driving School Instructor is Nuts

                                1. Claims "road rage" was his idea.
                                2. Touch his dashboard Jesus? Ride home in the trunk.
                                3. Makes you stop at every fire hydrant so he can urinate on it.
                                4. She conducts lane change practice in her Jacuzzi.
                                5. Conducts the first week's lessons in two chairs using imaginary driving motions and engine sounds.
                                6. Insists on sitting in back seat & being called "Miss Daisy."
                                7. Keeps stopping in the middle of your lesson to deliver pizzas.
                                8. Fails you unless you can get the airbag to pop.
                                9. Instead of emergency brakes on his side of the car, he has a passenger-side accelerator and a mini bar stocked with Wild Turkey and Ho Ho's.
                                10. Has "P - R - D - 2 - 1" painted on his fly and keeps yelling, "Shift!"
                                11. Has a working saw blade on the hood and mutters about "fixing Speed Racer for good".
                                12. Immediately fails you because his Carmen Miranda-style hat doesn't fit in your Escort.
                                13. Day One: "Chinese Fire Drills", "Basic Mooning Techniques" and "Reloading a 9mm at 90 mph."
                                14. Always divides class into "shirts" and "skins."
                                15. He yells "England," you're supposed to start driving on the other side of the road.
                                    
                                    and the Best Sign Your Driving School Instructor is Nuts...
                                    
                                    
                                16. Insists you turn off the headlights and "use the Force."

                                ---

                                Top 18 of being Too Drunk

                                1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
                                2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
                                3. Job interfering with your drinking.
                                4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
                                5. Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
                                6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
                                7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
                                8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
                                9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
                                10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
                                11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
                                12. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
                                13. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
                                14. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
                                15. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
                                16. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
                                17. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
                                18. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.

                                ---

                                Top 20 Reasons of working in the nineties

                                1. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
                                2. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
                                3. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
                                4. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
                                5. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
                                6. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inter-office Mail painfully slow.
                                7. You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.
                                8. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
                                9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
                                10. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist anymore.
                                11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
                                12. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.
                                13. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as "deliverables."
                                14. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
                                15. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
                                16. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
                                17. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.
                                18. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
                                19. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
                                20. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

                                    ---

                                    Top 22 Signs You have Had Too Much of the 90s

                                    1. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
                                    2. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
                                    3. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
                                    4. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
                                    5. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
                                    6. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
                                    7. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
                                    8. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
                                    9. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
                                    10. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
                                    11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.
                                    12. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
                                    13. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
                                    14. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
                                    15. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
                                    16. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
                                    17. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
                                    18. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.
                                    19. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
                                    20. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
                                    21. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

                                        And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:
                                        

                                    22. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

                                    ---

                                    Top 46 Reasons Why Coffee Is Better Than Women

                                    1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good
                                    2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it
                                    3. Coffee smells and tastes good
                                    4. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee
                                    5. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning
                                    6. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee
                                    7. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents
                                    8. You can make coffee as sweet as you want
                                    9. You can always warm coffee up
                                    10. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM
                                    11. You can always get fresh coffee
                                    12. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel
                                    13. Coffee never runs out
                                    14. Coffee comes with endless refills
                                    15. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee
                                    16. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight
                                    17. Coffee is cheaper
                                    18. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning
                                    19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back
                                    20. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat
                                    21. They sell coffee at police stations
                                    22. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter
                                    23. Coffee goes down easier
                                    24. Coffee smells good in the morning
                                    25. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee
                                    26. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee
                                    27. Coffee is good when it's cold too
                                    28. Your coffee doesn't talk to you
                                    29. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it
                                    30. Coffee stains are easier to remove
                                    31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in
                                    32. Coffee doesn't shed
                                    33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less
                                    34. Coffee doesn't mind being ground
                                    35. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it
                                    36. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month...it's good all the time
                                    37. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better
                                    38. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup
                                    39. INSTANT COFFEE!
                                    40. You can smoke while drinking coffee
                                    41. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away
                                    42. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed
                                    43. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold
                                    44. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee
                                    45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup
                                    46. You can get coffee from a vending machine.

                                    ---

                                    Top 50 Fun Things for non-Christians to do in Church

                                    1. Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
                                    2. A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".
                                    3. Put stray dogs in coat closets.
                                    4. Un-tune the piano.
                                    5. Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
                                    6. Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
                                    7. Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
                                    8. Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
                                    9. Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
                                    10. Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
                                    11. Start a wave.
                                    12. Do cool things with the lighting.
                                    13. When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
                                    14. Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
                                    15. When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
                                    16. Make up your own words to the songs.
                                    17. Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
                                    18. Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
                                    19. If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
                                    20. Dress all in black, or in camo.
                                    21. Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.
                                    22. If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
                                    23. At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
                                    24. Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
                                    25. Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
                                    26. Inflate balloons, then send them off.
                                    27. Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
                                    28. Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
                                    29. Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
                                    30. Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
                                    31. During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
                                    32. Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
                                    33. Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
                                    34. Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
                                    35. When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
                                    36. Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them.
                                    37. Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
                                    38. Blow bubbles.
                                    39. Fake a possession.
                                    40. Distribute condoms.
                                    41. Speak in tongues.
                                    42. Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
                                    43. Drool in the collection plate.
                                    44. Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
                                    45. After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
                                    46. Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
                                    47. At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
                                    48. Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
                                    49. Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
                                    50. Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.

                                    ---

                                    50 Ways To Confuse People In IT

                                    50 Ways To Confuse, Worry, Or Just Scare People In IT

                                    1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
                                    2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
                                    3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
                                    4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.
                                    5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
                                    6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
                                    7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
                                    8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
                                    9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
                                    10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
                                    11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
                                    12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
                                    13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
                                    14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
                                    15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
                                    16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
                                    17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
                                    18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
                                    19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
                                    20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
                                    21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
                                    22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
                                    23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
                                    24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
                                    25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
                                    26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
                                    27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
                                    28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
                                    29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
                                    30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
                                    31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
                                    32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
                                    33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
                                    34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
                                    35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
                                    36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
                                    37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
                                    38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
                                    39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does Change your computer relationship.html How to determine if Technology has taken over your life.html The 10 best things to say when caught sleeping at your desk.html delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard.
                                        Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
                                    40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
                                    41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
                                    42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
                                    43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
                                    44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
                                    45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
                                    46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
                                    47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
                                    48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
                                    49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
                                    50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

                                    ---

                                    53 Horror Movie Survival Tips

                                    1. If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately.
                                    2. Never take a bath or shower with a maniac/spirit/demon/creature in the house.
                                    3. When it appears that you have killed the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you. If you've shot at it, shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then keep shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except demons and spirits. Then get the hell out of there!
                                    4. If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and spewing body fluids, it's time to leave.
                                    5. Never read aloud from a book that summons demons. Even as a joke.
                                    6. Don't look under the bed.
                                    7. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
                                    8. If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get the hell out of the area.
                                    9. If relatives or pets come back from the dead, don't approach them and ask "What did you come back to do?"
                                    10. If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent, leave the area.
                                    11. If you've hidden from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature and you are not found, do not peek from or decide it's safe to leave your hiding place. If you do decide to leave, scan the ground for twigs before you take a step.
                                    12. Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."
                                    13. It is very, very dangerous to back into, or through rooms.
                                    14. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. (Note: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.)
                                    15. When you have the benefit of numbers, never, ever, pair off, or go in alone. The more people the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted by, the better "your" chance of escape.
                                    16. Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.
                                    17. If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave the area as soon, and as quickly as possible.
                                    18. If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.
                                    19. If you've just finished running over the maniac/spirit/demon/creature in your car, keep going. Most certainly do not get out of the car under any circumstances to see if he/she/it is "really" dead.
                                    20. As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
                                    21. Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.
                                    22. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc.
                                    23. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that appear that they would break easily.
                                    24. If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot identify, don't pick it up or touch it, with anything.
                                    25. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately or else you will quickly die.
                                    26. If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under, Don't go after them or peek over the edge of the shore "to see what's wrong." If you are in a boat, head for shore.
                                    27. If appliances start operating by themselves, you are in danger.
                                    28. Do not accept/take anything from the dead.
                                    29. If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.
                                    30. If you discover the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, leave.
                                    31. If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still alive, you probably aren't awake yet.
                                    32. If you find a town which looks deserted, it is probably deserted for a damn good reason. Take the hint and stay away.
                                    33. Don't play with Ouija boards. If you do and the Ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave.
                                    34. If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area immediately.
                                    35. Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus or Satan.
                                    36. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're really sure you know what you are doing.
                                    37. Make sure that your weapon is really loaded before you try to use it.
                                    38. If your space ship gets a alien distress signal from what appears to be a dead planet, don't stop to check it out.
                                    39. Never put your back to or lean on a door.
                                    40. Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.
                                    41. Never speak to clowns in sewers.
                                    42. Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they are really supernatural beings.
                                    43. If you're running from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, expect to trip and/or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Do not turn to look back, if you do, you stand a good chance of tripping immediately and being killed. If you turn and look back, and you don't see the maniac/spirit/demon/creature chasing you, stop and run immediately back the way you came because the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is now in front of you.
                                    44. If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible.
                                    45. Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
                                    46. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
                                    47. Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.
                                    48. Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep 'Redrum' in stock.
                                    49. Finally, beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chain-saws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, flame-throwers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, high-powered rifles, gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, or Alludium Q-36 explosive space modulators.
                                    50. If you're going to shoot something, in the immortal words of Robert Ruark, African game hunter, "USE ENOUGH GUN."
                                    51. If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of sticky/slimy/resinous kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately.
                                    52. If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don't touch it, don't thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be incinerated with thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if it thaws out, it will kill you and every living thing on earth.
                                    53. If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is no exit, make one.

                                    ---

                                    Top Answers To Women's Stupid Questions

                                    1. No we can't be friends, I just want you for sex.
                                    2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that freaking ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
                                    3. You've got no chance of me calling you.
                                    4. No, I won't be gentle.
                                    5. Of course you have to swallow.
                                    6. Well, yes, actually, I do this all the time.
                                    7. I hate your stinking friends.
                                    8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.
                                    9. I'd rather watch a porno.
                                    10. Eat it? It took me ten beers to get up the courage to screw it.

                                    ---

                                    Tormenting Telemarketers - A Game You Can Play at Home!

                                    Everyone has gotten a call from a Telemarketer, the new Scourge of the Telephone System. Previously when the phone rang, you wondered if it was someone you knew, or another schmuck with something to sell. Well, the time has come to turn the tables. We need to take control of our own phones. We need to take the "market" out of Telemarketing.

                                    
                                    

                                    Premise:	Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales. If you talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy what you are selling.
                                    Counter-Tactic:	Waste as much of their time as you can. For each minute that you waste means several potential customers that will not be reached. Make Telemarketing unprofitable. Hanging up only increases the chances for them to make a sale. Don't let this happen!
                                    Hints:	Most of the preliminary stuff is done by someone making minimum wage who reads a script. Let them finish. It's easy points, and you were watching Star Trek and weren't using your phone anyway. It's easy to keep them interested using "attentive grunting", similar to when your mother calls.

                                    Scoring

                                    Basic Point System
                                    For each minute spent on the phone	10 pts.
                                    Getting transfered to someone who makes more than minimum wage	15 pts
                                    For each minute spent on the phone with person making more than minimum wage	25 pts
                                    Bonus Points:
                                    Getting them to repeat part of the "script"	5 pts/each
                                    Getting answers to stupid questions	15 pts/each
                                    Changing the subject	50 pts/each
                                    Making the sales person angry	175 pts
                                    Getting them to hang up on you	500 pts
                                    Making the sales person use profanity	750 pts
                                    Get their boss on the phone, to complain that the salesman used profanity	1500 pts
                                    Getting their 1-800- number	10 pts
                                    Posting their 1-800- number to alt.sex as a free "Phone Sex" line	50 pts
                                    Checking the number a week later and it is busy or disconnected	5000 pts

                                    Example:

                                    	Me:	Yes?
                                    [start clock]	Them:	Hi, I'm with Fly-By-Night Carpet Cleaning and we're in your area ... ... to know if you are interested?
                                    	Me:	Sure.
                                    	Them:	Well, we are currently offering ... ... depending on the size of the rooms.
                                    [15 bonus pts!]	Me:	Well, how much for the whole house?
                                    	Them:	Let me transfer you to Mr. Dealclincher.
                                    [25 pts/min!]	Me:	Okay
                                    	Them:	[new voice] Sir?
                                    	Me:	Yes?
                                    	Them:	How large is your house?
                                    	Me:	Oh, about 2,000 sq. ft.
                                    	Them:	[...] Well, that would be about $xxx
                                    [stupid ?]	Me:	Gee. It won't hurt the floor, will it?
                                    	Them:	Oh, no! We use a patented process ... this usually takes some time! ... and is completely safe.
                                    [stupid ?]	Me:	Even with my pets?
                                    	Them:	Oh, yes. The chemicals we use [...]
                                    	Me:	Do you have to pre-treat, with the pets?
                                    	Them:	Yes, and we do that with [...]
                                    [repeat!]	Me:	But you said it would cost $xyx, [note small misquote of price] does that include treating for pets?
                                    	Them:	[...]
                                    [new subject]	Me:	Well, it is kindof dirty. The guys were over for the game. Did you see the Cowboys vs. the Rams?
                                    	Them:	Yes.
                                    	Me:	What a game! That last touchdown pass! Wasn't that a great play? And ...
                                    	Them:	Yes, well, back to your house, sir.
                                    	Me:	Oh yes, what about moving the furniture?
                                    	Them:	[...]
                                    [new subject]	Me:	Do you clean furniture, too? The guys spilled some beer. Have you smelled old beer on furniture before? Phew! But what a game! I couldn't believe they couldn't move the ball in the second quarter... [...]
                                    [angry???]	Them:	Ahem... Would you like us to come out?
                                    	Me:	Well, when could you come out?
                                    	Them:	How about next week?
                                    	Me:	Hmmm... Morning or afternoon?
                                    	Them:	Either would be fine.
                                    	Me:	Do you have anything the week after?
                                    	Them:	Sure, can I put you down for Tuesday?
                                    [Okay, now let's try for those last big bonus points:]
                                    [Yes! 750 pts!]	Me:	Wait, I just remembered I have all hardwood floors! Neeever mind.
                                    [Yes! 500 pts!]	Them:	Dammit!

                                    [Of course, your mileage will vary, but this phone call should net a neat 1700-1800 points (and keep 2.7 other people from having their contemplation of the tube interrupted). As a Seattlite (No, not like Sputnik), I am required by law to point out that the PC (political correctitude) rating of this counter-tactic has not yet been ascertained; so use at your own risk -psl]

                                    ---

                                    Unleash the Power of Shift

                                    Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the Guide to what a man is really saying.html What is real.html shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?

                                    A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

                                    ---

                                    Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?

                                    A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.

                                    ---

                                    Q. My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation

                                    A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".

                                    ---

                                    Q. I pressed shift and its stuck down now

                                    A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.

                                    ---

                                    Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labeled "hif"?

                                    A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

                                    ---

                                    Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?

                                    A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labeled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.

                                    ---

                                    Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?

                                    A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.

                                    ---

                                    Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?

                                    A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember that it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.

                                    ---

                                    Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?

                                    A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!

                                    ---

                                    Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?

                                    A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.

                                    ---

                                    Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?

                                    A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.

                                    ---

                                    Version upgrade issues

                                    I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

                                    I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

                                    Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

                                    I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

                                    The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

                                    A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

                                    Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

                                    I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

                                    ---

                                    What I Did For His Summer Vacation

                                    The Top 12 Office Activities the First Day of Your Boss's Vacation

                                    1. Best imitation of the boss wins everything in the supply room contest.
                                    2. Lock-jimmying contest, immediately followed by a charity raffle of executive office furniture.
                                    3. The battle begins for the coveted "Solitaire, Minesweeper, Tetris" Triple Crown.
                                    4. Use boss' computer to send suggestive emails to the local chapter of NOW
                                    5. Visit local nude beach for daily *staff* meeting.
                                    6. A rousing game of "Pin the Secretary's Tail on the Boss' Desk."
                                    7. Staple that dweeb from accounting to the wall.
                                    8. Take pictures of his favorite coffee cup in the toilet. Save for resignation day.
                                    9. Purchasing vs. Receiving: Let's Get Ready to Rummmmbllllle!
                                    10. Wagering on intern lip lock endurance matches in the file room.
                                    11. "Performance reviews" given by a whimsical painted face on the shipping clerk's bare ass.
                                    12. Convincing the boss's daughter be your intern.

                                    ---

                                    What Those Men Advertising in Personals Really Mean When They Say:

                                    If you're looking for a man using the Classified Ads, here's a dictionary:

                                    CODE WORD	MEANS
                                    Adventurer	Has had more partners than you ever will
                                    Affectionate	Possessive
                                    Artist	Unreliable
                                    Average-looking	Ugly
                                    Commitment-minded	Yeah, Right!
                                    Communication important	Just try to get a word in edgewise
                                    Educated	College dropout
                                    Emotionally Secure	Medicated
                                    Employed	Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
                                    Enjoys art and opera	Snob
                                    Enjoys Nature	Bring your own granola
                                    Free spirit	Substance user
                                    Friendship first	Trying to plan how he will get into your pants
                                    Fun	Annoying
                                    Gentle	Comatose
                                    Good Listener	Borderline Autistic
                                    Handsome	Would frighten a Martian
                                    Humorous	Caustic
                                    Intuitive	Your opinion doesn't count
                                    In Transition	He's lazy bum, looking for a woman to support him
                                    Looks younger	If viewed from far away in bad light
                                    Loves Animals	He has two pit bulls
                                    New-Age	All body hair, all the time
                                    Non-traditional	Mistress lives in the basement
                                    Old-fashioned	Lights out, missionary position only
                                    Open-minded	Desperate
                                    Outgoing	Loud and obnoxious
                                    Passionate	Don Juan type, with Roman hands and Russian fingers
                                    Poet	Depressive Schizophrenic
                                    Professional	Jerk
                                    Reliable	Frumpy
                                    Reubenesque	Grossly Fat
                                    Romantic	Thinks he's Casanova
                                    Self-employed	Jobless
                                    Smart	Ass
                                    Special	Rode the short school bus
                                    Spiritual	Involved with a cult
                                    Stable	Boring
                                    Tall, thin	He doesn't have much
                                    Tan	Wrinkled, bald, and fat
                                    Wants Soulmate	One step away from stalking
                                    Well-Built	He couldn't beat up Papa Smurf
                                    Widower	Nagged first wife to death
                                    Writer	Pompous ass
                                    Young at heart	Senior citizen

                                    ---

                                    What Women Should Know About Men

                                    1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
                                    2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
                                    3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of him.
                                    4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
                                    5. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
                                    6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
                                    7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
                                    8. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -- "don't" and "stop" (but not used together).
                                    9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
                                    10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
                                    11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.
                                    12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a women.
                                    13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them!
                                    14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets!
                                    15. Mens brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
                                    16. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

                                        ---

                                        What Your Car Says About You

                                        • Acura Integra- I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.
                                        • Acura Legend- I'm too bland for German cars.
                                        • Acura NSX- I am impotent.
                                        • Audi 90- I enjoy putting out engine fires.
                                        • Buick Park Avenue- I am older than 34 of the 50 states.
                                        • Cadillac Eldorado- I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.
                                        • Cadillac Seville- I am a pimp.
                                        • Chevrolet Camaro- I enjoy beating up people.
                                        • Chevrolet Chevette- I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.
                                        • Chevrolet Corvette- I'm in a mid-life crisis.
                                        • Chevrolet El Camino- I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.
                                        • Chrysler Cordoba- I dig the rich Corinthian leather.
                                        • Datsun 280Z- I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
                                        • Dodge Dart-I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower.
                                        • Dodge Daytona- I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
                                        • Ford Escort - I'm a red-headed nanny.
                                        • Ford Fairmont- (See Dodge Dart)
                                        • Ford Mustang- I slow down to 85 in school zones.
                                        • Ford Crown Victoria- I enjoy having people slow to 55mph & change lanes when I pull up behind them.
                                        • Geo Storm- I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
                                        • Geo Tracker- I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
                                        • Honda del Sol- I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.
                                        • Honda Civic- I have just graduated and have no credit.
                                        • Honda Accord- I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
                                        • Infiniti Q45- I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
                                        • Isuzu Impulse-I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.
                                        • Jaguar XJ6-I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
                                        • Kia Sephia- I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp.
                                        • Lincoln Town Car- I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
                                        • Mercury Grand Marquis- (See above)
                                        • Mercedes 500SL- I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
                                        • Mercedes 560SEL- I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.
                                        • Mazda Miata- I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler.
                                        • MGB- I am dating a mechanic.
                                        • Mitsubishi Diamante- I don't know what it means either.
                                        • Nissan 300ZX- I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
                                        • Oldsmobile Cutlass- I just stole this car and I'm going to make a....
                                        • Peugeot 505 Diesel- I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.
                                        • Plymouth Neon- I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
                                        • Pontiac Grand AM (pre 92 models)- I keep two cases of AquaNet in the backseat, just in case someone in a Trans AM pulls up beside me.
                                        • Pontiac Trans AM- I am a redneck who thinks a Trans AM is a sportscar.
                                        • Porsche 944- I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.
                                        • Rolls Royce Silver Shadow- I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal.
                                        • Saturn SC2- (See Honda Civic)
                                        • Subaru Legacy- I have always wanted a Japanese car even more.
                                        • Toyota Camry- I am still in the closet.
                                        • Volkswagon Beetle- I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
                                        • Volkswagon Cabriolet- I am out of the closet.
                                        • Volkswagon Microbus- I am tripping right now.
                                        • Volvo 740 Wagon- I am frightened of my wife.

                                        ---

                                        What is real

                                        If it's there and you can see it, it's REAL
                                        If it's there and you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT
                                        If it's not there and you can see it, it's VIRTUAL
                                        If it's not there and you can't see it, it's GONE!
                                        

                                        ---

                                        Why Americans should never be allowed to travel

                                        The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

                                        I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

                                        A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

                                        I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

                                        A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

                                        I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

                                        Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay- over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

                                        A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

                                        A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said,"No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

                                        I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

                                        A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

                                        A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

                                        A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

                                        ---

                                        Why Dogs Are Better Than Men

                                        Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public

                                        Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw)

                                        Dogs miss you when you're gone

                                        Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with

                                        You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams

                                        Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong

                                        Dogs don't criticise your friends

                                        Dogs admit when they're jealous

                                        Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence

                                        Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies

                                        Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together

                                        You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you

                                        You can train a dog

                                        Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous

                                        Dogs understand what "no" means

                                        Dogs don't want to "cure" you if you are a lesbian

                                        Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialisation

                                        Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner

                                        Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species

                                        Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside

                                        You can house train a dog

                                        Dogs think you are a culinary genius

                                        You can force a dog to take a bath

                                        Dogs don't correct your stories

                                        Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair

                                        Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair

                                        Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake

                                        Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving

                                        Dogs admit it when they're lost

                                        Dogs take care of their own needs

                                        Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff

                                        Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs

                                        Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do

                                        Dogs mean it when they kiss you

                                        The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the Guide to what a man is really saying.html worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)

                                        ---

                                        Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

                                        Dogs don't cry
                                        The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
                                        Dogs love it when your friends come over
                                        A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink
                                        Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo
                                        Dogs think that you sing great
                                        Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs
                                        Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late
                                        Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name
                                        Dogs like beer
                                        Dogs are excited by rough play
                                        No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album
                                        If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it
                                        Dogs don't hate their bodies
                                        Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair
                                        No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood
                                        Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
                                        Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across
                                        Dogs understand that farts are funny
                                        Dogs love red meat
                                        Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions
                                        When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it
                                        Anyone can get a good-looking dog
                                        Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away
                                        Dogs don't shop
                                        Dogs never need to examine the relationship
                                        Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor
                                        A dog's parents never visit
                                        A dog's disposition stays the same all month long
                                        Dogs love long car trips
                                        Dogs never expect gifts
                                        Dogs never criticise
                                        Dogs don't worry about germs.
                                        It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house
                                        Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster
                                        You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day
                                        Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer
                                        Dogs don't spend hours on the phone talking to friends who live five minutes walk away.
                                        Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had
                                        Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public
                                        Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives
                                        Dogs never want foot-rubs
                                        Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewellery
                                        Dogs don't borrow your shirts
                                        Dogs seldom outlive you
                                        Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk
                                        Dogs aren't catty

                                        Dogs can't talk

                                        ---

                                        Why Dogs Are The Same As Men

                                        Both take up too much space on the bed

                                        Both are bad at asking you questions

                                        Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning

                                        Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut

                                        Neither does any dishes

                                        Both like to chew wood

                                        The smaller ones tend to be more nervous

                                        Both mark their territory

                                        Both like dominance games

                                        Both tend to smell riper with age

                                        Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches

                                        Both are threatened by their own kind

                                        Neither tells you what's bothering them

                                        Both fart shamelessly

                                        Neither knows how to talk on the telephone

                                        Both prefer to wait outside the shop you're going to

                                        Neither understands what you see in cats

                                        Both are suspicious of the postman

                                        ---

                                        Why Dogs Are The Same As Women

                                        Both look stupid in hats
                                        Neither understand football
                                        Both tend to have -hip- problems
                                        Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting
                                        Both constantly want back rubs
                                        Both can turn nasty if you mistreat them
                                        You can never tell what either of them is thinking
                                        Both put too much value on kissing
                                        Neither believe that silence is golden
                                        Neither can balance a chequebook
                                        Both look good in a fur coat
                                        Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say

                                        ---

                                        Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

                                        1. He had only one major publication.
                                        2. It was in Hebrew.
                                        3. It had no references.
                                        4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
                                        5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
                                        6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
                                        7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
                                        8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
                                        9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
                                        10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
                                        11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
                                        12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
                                        13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
                                        14. He expelled his first two students for learning the wrong subject.
                                        15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
                                        16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

                                        ---

                                        Why Guys Just Can't Win

                                        • If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.
                                        • If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
                                        • If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
                                        • If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
                                        • If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
                                        • If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.
                                        • If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self defense.
                                        • If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
                                        • If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
                                        • If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag.
                                        • If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
                                        • If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
                                        • If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
                                        • If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
                                        • If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
                                        • If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

                                        ---

                                        Why Women Date Jerks

                                        • They're more fun to complain about to your friends.
                                        • Men who actually like you just aren't challenging or exciting.
                                        • When you do start dating a nice man, he turns into a jerk anyway, so just save time and go for the jerk first.
                                        • You don't get as emotionally attached to a jerk, so you'll be more in control.
                                        • All the other women seem to want them so they should be worth having.
                                        • Affection means more to a jerk who never gets it.
                                        • They're guaranteed to cheat on you, so someone else will have to endure their lack of lovemaking skills.
                                        • No need to feel guilty about abusing them or cheating on them.
                                        • We're looking for someone who will abuse us mentally, that we can't trust and that we won't care for too much, but can't bring ourselves to date a lawyer.
                                        • There are no other types of man.

                                        ---

                                        Why a christmas tree is better than

                                        "Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"

                                        1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
                                        2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
                                        3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
                                        4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
                                        5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
                                        6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
                                        7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
                                        8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
                                        9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

                                        "Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man"

                                        1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
                                        2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
                                        3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
                                        4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
                                        5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
                                        6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
                                        7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
                                        8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
                                        9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

                                        ---

                                        Why beer is better than women

                                    17. You can enjoy a beer all night long.
                                    18. Beer stains wash out.
                                    19. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
                                    20. Beer is never late.
                                    21. A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football.
                                    22. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
                                    23. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
                                    24. Hangovers go away
                                    25. Beer labels come off without a fight.
                                    26. A beer won't tell you its pregnant for fun.
                                    27. When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.
                                    28. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
                                    29. Beer never has a headache.
                                    30. A beer goes down easy.
                                    31. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
                                    32. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
                                    33. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
                                    34. You can share a beer with your friends.
                                    35. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
                                    36. Beer doesn't demand equality.
                                    37. Beer is always wet.
                                    38. You can have a beer in public.
                                    39. A frigid beer is a good beer.
                                    40. A beer doesn't care when you come.
                                    41. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
                                    42. You can't catch social diseases from a beer.
                                    43. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
                                    44. A beer is always satisfying.
                                    45. When you are interrupted by a beer, it's for a good reason.
                                    46. No matter what the package, a beer still looks good.
                                    47. A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.
                                    48. A beer does not come with in-laws.
                                    49. Its okay to leave a party with a different beer than the one you brought.
                                    50. The only thing a beer tells you is when its time to go to the bathroom.
                                    51. To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice-box.
                                    52. All you have to do to get over a beer is take a leak.
                                    53. Beer doesn't complain about farting
                                    54. You are never embarrassed about the beer you bring to a party.
                                    55. Beer won't drive you to drink.
                                    56. You can shoot a beer.
                                    57. You don't need a license to live with a beer.
                                    58. A beer chaser is easier to catch.
                                    59. A tree is good enough for a beer.
                                    60. Beer and "ice" don't mix.
                                    61. Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't.
                                    62. Beer doesn't care how much you earn.
                                    63. Beer won't complain about your choice of vacation, It goes along happily.
                                    64. You can put all your old beers together in one room and they won't fight.
                                    65. Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it
                                    66. Beer is happy to ride in the trunk of your car.
                                    67. You never have to promise to respect a beer in the morning.
                                    68. Beer never complains about a wet spot.

                                        ---

                                        Why did the chicken cross the road

                                        • Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
                                        • Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?
                                        • Julius Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.
                                        • Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
                                        • Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.
                                        • Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
                                        • Salvador Dali: The Fish.
                                        • Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
                                        • Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
                                        • Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?
                                        • Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
                                        • Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop its forward momentum.
                                        • Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.
                                        • Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.
                                        • Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.
                                        • Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost, the chicken would be lost!
                                        • Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
                                        • Adolf Hitler: It needed Lebensraum.
                                        • Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
                                        • Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.
                                        • John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!
                                        • Martin Luther King: It had a dream.
                                        • James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
                                        • Stan Laurel: I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.
                                        • Groucho Marx: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.
                                        • Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.
                                        • Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.
                                        • Alfred E. Neumann: What? Me worry?
                                        • Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
                                        • Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
                                        • Thomas Paine: Out of common sense.
                                        • Ronald Reagan: I forget.
                                        • John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
                                        • Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain!
                                        • William Shakespeare: I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.
                                        • Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too?
                                        • Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.
                                        • The Sphinx: You tell me.
                                        • Margaret Thatcher: There was no alternative.
                                        • Dylan Thomas: To not go (sic) gentle into that good night.
                                        • Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
                                        • Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
                                        • Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
                                        • Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.
                                        • Henny Youngman: Take this chicken ... please.
                                        • Plato: For the greater good.
                                        • Karl Marx (revisited): It was a historical inevitability.
                                        • Hamlet: Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of outrageous road maintenance than to take arms against a sea of oncoming vehicles...
                                        • Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
                                        • Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
                                        • Douglas Adams: 42.
                                        • Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
                                        • Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
                                        • J.R.R. Tolkein: The chicken, sunlight coruscating off its radiant yellow- white coat of feathers, approached the dark, sullen asphalt road and scrutinized it intently with its obsidian-black eyes. Every detail of the thoroughfare leapt into blinding focus: the rough texture of the surface, over which countless tires had worked their relentless tread through the ages; the innumerable fragments of stone embedded within the lugubrious mass, perhaps quarried from the great pits where the Sons of Man labored not far from here; the dull black asphalt itself, exuding those waves of heat which distort the sight and bring weakness to the body; the other attributes of the great highway too numerous to give name. those waves of heat which distort the sight and bring weakness to the body; the other attributes of the great highway too numerous to give name. And then it crossed it.
                                        • Malcolm X: Because it would get across that road by any means necessary.
                                        • B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
                                        • Trent Reznor: Because the world is FUCKED UP and it HATES ITSELF for being such a PITIFUL WHINY USELESS SHIT!
                                        • T.S. Eliot (revisited again): It's not that they cross, but that they cross like chickens.
                                        • Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
                                        • Darth Vader: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.
                                        • Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
                                        • George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.
                                          
                                          [_Princess Bride_ section]
                                        • Wesley: It's terribly fashionable, I think everyone will be doing it in the future.
                                        • Fezzik: Because if it did not it would be like a toad!
                                        • Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You crossed my father's road. Prepare to die.

                                        ---

                                        Wise words

                                        Smart man + smart woman = romance
                                        Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
                                        Dumb man + smart woman = affair
                                        Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
                                        

                                        A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
                                        A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
                                        A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
                                        A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
                                        A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
                                        A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
                                        

                                        To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
                                        To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
                                        

                                        Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
                                        Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
                                        

                                        Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
                                        Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
                                        

                                        A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
                                        A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
                                        A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
                                        There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman
                                        - before marriage and after marriage.
                                        

                                        ---

                                        Women's Checklist For A Man

                                        What I Want In A Man, Original List

                                        1. Handsome
                                        2. Charming
                                        3. Financially Successful
                                        4. A Caring Listener
                                        5. Witty
                                        6. In Good Shape
                                        7. Dresses with Style
                                        8. Appreciates the Finer Things
                                        9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
                                        10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

                                        What I Want In A Man, Revised List

                                        1. Not too ugly
                                        2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
                                        3. Works steady
                                        4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
                                        5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
                                        6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
                                        7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
                                        8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
                                        9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
                                        10. Shaves on weekends

                                        ---

                                        Work Ethic

                                        ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:

                                        12% Monday
                                        23% Tuesday
                                        40% Wednesday
                                        20% Thursday
                                        5% Friday
                                        

                                        ---

                                        You Know What They Say

                                        "EVERYTHING COMES IN THREES"
                                        Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.

                                        "YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU (When you die)"
                                        Well....., that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets.

                                        "YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY"
                                        Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just learned it doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this.

                                        "THE SKY'S THE LIMIT"
                                        Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky never ends. What kind of a limit is that? The earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More earth. The earth is the limit.

                                        "YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR"
                                        Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases carefully, you'll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not even get that.

                                        "TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY"
                                        Not neccesarily true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can't be sure. If it happens, I'll be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that time, it will be today again.

                                        "NICE GUYS FINISH LAST"
                                        Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.

                                        "IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL"
                                        Do we even have to talk about this one? This should be obvious. If you've seen one, you've seen ... one. If you've seen them all, *then* you've seen them all. I don't even understand how this one got started.

                                        "THOSE WERE THE DAYS"
                                        No. Those were the nights! Think back. Weren't the nights better? Days you had to work. Nights you went to parties, danced, drank and got laid. "Those were the nights!"

                                        "THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH"
                                        What about when you eat at home? I don't pay when I eat lunch at home - it's FREE! Sometimes I'll leave a tip, but basically, it's a free lunch. Yes, I know we had to buy the food at the store. But as the Zen Buddhists say, 'The Food Is Not the Lunch'.

                                        "YOU PAY YOUR MONEY, AND YOU TAKE YOUR CHANCES"
                                        I think what I said earlier still applies" You pays your money and you takes whatever they jolly well give you. Actually, when you get right down to it, you pays your money and you loses your money.

                                        "EVERYBODY HAS HIS PRICE"
                                        Not so. Would you believe there are millions of people who do not have their price? Thanks to a government mix-up, many people have their neighbors price.

                                        "THEY DON'T MAKE 'EM LIKE THEY USED TO"
                                        Actually they do make 'em like they used to, they just don't sell 'em anymore. They make 'em, and then they keep 'em.

                                        "TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT"
                                        Well, it just so happens that two wrongs do make a right. Not only that, but as the number of wrongs increases, the whole thing goes up exponentially. So that while two wrongs make one right, and four wrongs make two rights, it actually takes sixteen wrongs to make three rights, and 256 wrongs to make four rights. It seems to me that anyone who is stringing together 256 wrongs needs counseling, not mathematics.

                                        "IF IT'S NOT ONE THING, IT'S ANOTHER"
                                        No, not always. Sometimes if it's not one thing, not only is it not another, but it turns out to be something else entirely.

                                        "YOU CAN'T WIN THEM ALL"
                                        Not true. Believe it or not, there is a man somewhere in Illinois who, so far, has won them all. But don't get too excited; it has also been discovered that it is possible to lose them all. By the way, there is no record of anyone having tied them all.

                                        "YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS"
                                        That depends on how intimately you know the other person. Maybe you can't have it both ways at once, but if you've got a little time, you can probably have it six or seven ways.

                                        "THINGS HAVE TO GET BETTER, THEY CAN'T GET ANY WORSE"
                                        This is an example of truly faulty logic. Just because things can't get any worse, is no reason to believe they have to get better. They might just stay the same. And, by the way, who says things can't get any worse? For many people, things get worse and worse and worse and worse.

                                        "NOBODY EVER SAID THAT LIFE WAS FAIR"
                                        I specifically remember as I was growing up, at least twelve different people, telling me life was fair. One person put it this way; "Life, you will find, is fair." Oddly enough, all twelve of those people died before the age of twenty-seven.

                                        "IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO"
                                        Sounds good, but simple reasoning will reveal that actually it takes only one to tango. It does take two to tango together, maybe. But one person is certainly capable of tangoing on his own. He just might look a little silly.

                                        "THERE'S A SUCKER BORN EVERY MINUTE, AND TWO TO TAKE HIM"
                                        This may have been true in the past, but now, if you adjust for the increased population base, birth control, and the so-called moral decline, not only are there five suckers born every minute, there are now fifty-three to take him.

                                        "WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW WON'T HURT YOU"
                                        Why don't we just ask Julius Caesar and John F. Kennedy about this one?

                                        "LIFE IS SHORT"
                                        Sorry. Life is not short, it's just that everything else lasts so long -mountains, rivers, stars, planets - life seems short. Actually life lasts just the right amount of time. Until you die. Death on the other hand....is very, very short.

                                        ---

                                        You Know You're A Mother When...

                                        1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
                                        2. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
                                        3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
                                        4. Your kid throws up and you catch it.
                                        5. Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
                                        6. You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.
                                        7. You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.
                                        8. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.
                                        9. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
                                        10. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.
                                        11. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
                                        12. You hate the thought of his wife even more.
                                        13. You find yourself cutting your husband's